ABSTRACT:

AMID all this palaver over the coming Y2K, has it ever occurred to you what kind of frenzy makind worked itself into the first time this happened 1,000 year ago? According to Robert Lacey and Danny Danzinger’s book “The Year 1000: What Life was Like at the Turn of the First Millennium”: “People identified with the personalities and quirks of saints, as today they feel they know soap opera star.”

So maybe, in this era of celebrity worship, the conceit should be inverted. What if Hollywood became Holywood? And we had a pantheon of quirky icons to intercede between man and God to stay Doomsday?

Far-fetched, huh?

Well, here’s a guide to Who’s Who in the Pantheon of Modern Saints – just so you know who to call on, if and when Judgement Day falls:

JODIE FOSTER: Patron Saints of Single Mothers…

CHARLTON HESTON: Patron Saint of Hunters and Arms Dealers…

KEVIN COSTNER: Patron Saint of Washouts…

BARBRA STREISAND: Patron Saint of Lost Presidents…

VINCENT GALLO: Patron Saint of Self-Promotion and Polyester…

CAMERON DIAZ: Patron Saint of Newsstand Sales…

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Patron Saint of Titanic Hype…

MADONNA: Patron Saint of Reinvention…

WOODY ALLEN: Patron Saint of Foster Fathers…