America Undercover:

Cathouse

Sunday at 10:20 on HBO

one Star *

“AMERICA Undercover,” one of the best shows on TV, has finally come up with a loser and at the same time done the impossible. They’ve made a documentary about a whore house and it plays like a bad infomercial for hookers – not a journalistic look at a legal cathouse in Nevada.

And not for nuthin’, but what kind of an “exposé” features the company’s owner using the documentary for his own personal means? In this case it’s Dennis Hof, the owner of Nevada’s Bunny Ranch, a relentless self-promoter who sounds like he escaped from Hugh Hefner’s smoking jacket.

He should be thrilled – an army of PR people couldn’t have gotten him better coverage.

There hasn’t been a portrayal of hookers this one-dimensional and phony since “Pretty Woman.”

So what do you actually learn from HBO’s “Cathouse?” Mostly just how great it is to be able to give oral sex to out of shape losers in a place run by a disgusting misogynist.

Then of course, you also learn about the fine career opportunities which are still available in this “most legitimate business in America,” filled with hookers who are really, “a highly motivated commission sales team.” Puleeze!

At any rate, in this snore-bore, there are lots of women with killer bodies and worn faces who stick their naked butts out a lot for ugly Johns who get to rub them while negotiating a price.

Once the price is decided upon, the hooker uses the intercom to call the Madam who comes into the room with a clipboard and closes the deal. The madam even says she’s like a mom to the “girls.” A mom? Where? In hell?

While the cameras for this documentary are hidden, the hookers do show the John (or Joann), the “hidden” camera before actual sex takes place (which you don’t see – thank God!). So much for investigative journalism.

Worse, instead of feeling embarrassed, these loser clients all act like they’ve been caught on “Candid Camera.” And except for one guy who changes his mind in two seconds, they all immediately agree to be part of the documentary. This of course makes them worse than simply big losers who pay for sex – they are loser/exhibitionists who pay for sex.

Not to be mean or anything, but why must exhibitionists always look like they should be running at Aqueduct? (Remember the Long Island Rail Road threesome?) What the hell are they so proud of showing off anyway?

Among the disgusting creeps who show up at the Bunny Ranch is a mother who brings her 22-year-old virgin son in to be broken in. Now call me crazy, but if he’s 22, so is Regis Philbin.

Then there’s the mullet-wearing-husband and chubbette wife who want a three-way; a really sad widower who wants to be held, and a married couple each looking for a girl. There’s also an idiot of a pimp who sounds like he was created as a skit by the Wayons brothers.

The good news is that the show immediately follows the season finale of “The Sopranos,” and if it is as sleep-inducing as the last episode, you won’t even be awake for “Cathouse.”

Get the hook – if not the hooker!