I’VE been to hell and back. And even getting there and back was hell.

I’m talking about “The Jerry Springer Show.”

Yes, I made the ultimate sacrifice for my friend Damien, the normally normal co-owner of a Manhattan salon.

See, it was his birthday. And see, he loves Springer. And well, what choice did I have?

Because I am such a hotshot, the show saved us two front seats – next to the famous Steve.

The problems started right away when the girl in the next seat who – you could smell it – had already belted back a bunch of brown ones, told me that she wanted to sit next to Steve. “Why should you sit there?” she growled.

“Because they’re making me,” I sniffed back.

The show began and my friend was beside himself with happiness – especially when the gargantuan women who worked at Burger King took their tops off to hit each other. They were fighting over the fry guy who looked like the demon son of Bill Gates and the doctor on “The Love Boat.”

Next came a guy – with a mullet the size of which hasn’t been seen since Air Supply – who complained that he was sleeping with a mother and her daughter.

Then a fat guy with dyed black hair tried to hit another guy. And my worst fear nearly came true and they almost fell on top of me. Death by fat man.

Since my friend, whom I’m no longer speaking to (did I mention ever again?) watches the show, he wanted me to ask for Jerry beads. I thought they were just giving away cheap beads. I didn’t realize you had to behave like a cheap trick to get them.

“Go ahead. Raise your hand – I want those Jerry beads,” he pouted.

“I’m a columnist. I’m not allowed to accept gifts,” I said pouting back.

Turns out there is a God. I had no idea that, if you say you want Jerry beads, you must go topless.

Yes, normal, average-looking women in the audience suddenly got into a frenzy – waving their arms wildly to be called upon.

“Please, I want Jerry beads,” they shouted. Some were in their 20s, some in their 40s and two were in their 60s!

Did I mention hell?

After this bacchanal, we were escorted into Jerry’s office to talk politics.

Yes, from fat, fighting people and a naked woman with blue breasts (don’t ask!) to politics in Springer’s book-and-baseball-memorabilia-lined office.

As you may have heard, Jerry Springer is no longer running for Senator. He told me that although the polls showed he would win, they also showed he’d have to quit the show well before he began his campaign.

“I have very strong views about our country,” he said. (Bringing about the end of civilization through his show isn’t one of them, by the way.)

“I believe that the current policies are very elitist,” he said, which after the topless fight can never be said about him.

“Basically this administration supports the super-wealthy and powerful while Middle America is left out of the equation.

“What’s the best [the current administration] has come up with?” he asked. “Tax cuts for people like me!”

The war drives liberal Springer crazy too.

“The day before we bombed Baghdad, we had Hussein stopped cold. Why did we then choose to bomb and begin a war our children and grandchildren will pay for in money and lives?”

It was tough to reconcile this guy with the guy who was just discoursing with topless women about the fry guy.

So, why does he do this if he wants to do that?

“I’m hired to be an entertainer,” he said. “We all behave differently in different environments and I’m hired to host a show about outrageousness.”

Come to think about it, that may not be so different from being on the floor of the Senate.