Hi! My name is Kyle and I’m an acerbic. I haven’t been mean to anyone in 12 hours. But I saw “Smashed,” and now I’m having a relapse.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Aaron Paul play a married pair of heavy drinkers who banter about such subjects as her wetting the bed. They laugh a lot, though nothing funny is happening. Then she throws up in front of the first-graders she teaches and tells them she’s pregnant. Ha, ha.

On the bottle, the two of them drink and drive, drink and keep their clothes on for the least titillating sex since the last issue of Amish Penthouse. They learn getting smashed can lead to smoking crack. So, kids: Don’t be a drunk. Didn’t we already know that? There needs to be a 12-step program for movie people to stop sharing their “deeply personal” yet insight-free stories of addiction.