Let me face it: I hate one-man, one-woman or even one-dog shows -especially when they have the nerve to call them “plays.”

Call me mean, but I feel cheated. It’s not that every time I go to the theater I expect to encounter “42nd Street,” with all its tapping chorines.

But I do expect some kind of bang for my buck. And that bang is not likely to be provided by some old geezer, possibly dressed as some other, rather more venerable old geezer, spouting on a bare stage.

Although there are exceptions.

I’ve seen some great one-man shows -Alec McCowen superbly acting out the entire “St. Matthew Gospel,” Patrick Stewart enacting “A Christmas Carol” with nothing but a chair, a table and a bare stage. Then there was Julie Harris as Emily Dickinson, Robert Morse as Truman Capote and Mary Louise Wilson as Diana Vreeland.

Of course, when audiences remember the person you’re body body-snatching, things get difficult.

When Emlyn Williams played Dylan Thomas, my reaction paraphrased former Sen. Lloyd Bentsen WRITING ‘NOVOCAINE’ A PAINLESS … 11/11/2001

The New York Post

284902 All Editions

New YorkPulse

Published: 11/11/2001

Page: 047

Caption: East Village resident David Atkins directing Steve Martin.

WRITING ‘NOVOCAINE’ A PAINLESS PROCEDURE FOR N.Y. FILMMAKER

Byline: By LOU LUMENICK

When writer-director David Atkins needed technical advisors for his dark comedy “Novocaine,” which stars Steve Martin as a dentist, he didn’t have to look very far. His dad and two brothers are both in the gum-and-molars trade.

Atkins actually went undercover at their office in Boston to research the milieu, and wrote the first draft of his script on the premises.

“I donned the white jacket and the loupes, and I went to work every day for a month, doing everything except the procedures, which would have been illegal.

“The first time I ever saw a tooth extraction, my brother was pulling it back and forth, and I saw the blood coming, and the next thing I knew, I heard my brother’s voice and he said, ‘Where are you going?’ I realized I had my hand on the door. I just didn’t have the stomach for that kind of thing.”

He added, “The dentist is the perfect protagonist for a film. They are the unsung heroes of the medical profession. Nobody wants to go to the dentist, yet they welcome you with a smile and open arms and take away your pain.”

In “Novocaine,” Martin plays a prosperous dentist whose life unravels after a sexy, shady patient (Helena Bonham-Carter) seduces him into writing prescriptions, then cleans out his office supply of painkillers.

Atkins said childhood memories inspired the film, which opens Friday.

“Even as a little kid, I was intrigued by these people who would call my dad. My mother said they were trying to scam drugs, but I didn’t know what she meant or how they were doing it.”

Atkins, who is 39 and lives in the East Village with his wife and their 1-year-old son, was a struggling student at Columbia University Film School, living on $5 a day, when his master’s thesis – a quirky comedy called “American Dream” – was filmed in 1993 by the Yugoslav director Emir Kusturica. It starred Johnny Depp, Faye Dunaway and Jerry Lewis.

He then wrote several high-profile, but unproduced, scripts to pay off his film-school loans. When he wrote “Novocaine,” though, he decided not to go the usual development route. This time, he wanted to direct.

“Like others before me, I got frustrated by the whole development process. I had gone to film school to be a director, and I finally decided I would not sell ‘Novocaine’ to anyone else to make, because so many aspects are extremely personal to me,” he said.

Atkins brought the script to Artisan Entertainment (“The Blair Witch Project,” “Requiem for a Dream”), which took a shot on it and set a $10 million budget.

The script attracted the attention of Hollywood stalwart Martin, who had previously played a cameo role as a dentist in the 1986 musical “The Little Shop of Horrors.”

Explained Martin, “I was kind of looking for an offbeat role, not for any commercial reasons but for my personal amusement. This came through the door and I fell for it, because when I read the script I didn’t know what was going to happen, as opposed to 99 percent of other scripts that I get.”

Atkins said Martin was “extremely generous. I needed some help in writing the voice-overs, and Steve was there. Man, is he fast – I got through with the first voice-over and Steve was already on the sixth.

“After working with him a couple of days, I was like, ‘I’m never going to write again.'”