THE Vans Warped tour is unlike anything else – as much a cultural event as a concert. Mix 30,000 fans with 98 bands, on a 99-degree day, more than 10 hours at Randalls Island on Saturday, and you’ve got too much pork for just one fork.

The following concert diary entries – from Post music writers Dan Aquilante, 48, and Maxine Shen, 24 – illustrate how two people can go to the same concert and see two different shows.

HE SAYS

1. Best main-stage act: Despite the two “F” words – fat and forty – punk pop pioneers the Offspring dished up a terrific greatest-hits set.

2. Best second-stage act: The U.K.’s Dead 60s, melting under the sun, managed a half hour of reggae-punk that conjured the Clash and the Specials.

3. Best worst band: Boston’s Celt- punks Dropkick Murphy, with wretched sound and trying to get N.Y.C. to cheer for the vile Red Sox.

4. Musician talk: Dexter Holland of the Offspring’s heartfelt patter : “You guys are the greatest audience we’ve ever had . . . F – – – Scranton.”

5. Concert obstacle: Walking near any of the 11 stages without stepping on exhausted kids, many of whom flopped on the ground as the day wore on.

6. Weirdest sight: The Wave Rider Foundation guy crossing the dusty fairgrounds with his surfboard under his arm – 20 miles from Rockaway.

7. Best merchandise: The skull and crossed bones tent where you could get just about anything – from T-shirts to banners – with the Jolly Roger.

8. Random act of kindness: A teenage boy chivalrously, but unsuccessfully, insisting to the girl he was with to wear his worn ‘n’ sweaty dustmask so she could breathe.

9. Best food: The sweet-potato fries. For $5 you got plenty; they were tasty, healthy and there was no line.

10. Fashion statement: The girls who ditched their stifling T-shirts and walked around in bras. Good thinking. It’s going to be hot all week.

SHE SAYS

1. Best main-stage act: Avenged Sevenfold’s metal show. The mosh pit-induced dust cloud gave the band’s fog machine a run for its money.

2. Best second-stage act: N.J.’s the Ratchets, who had the unenviable position of playing between a water tank truck and a French-fry stand.

3. Best worst band: Any band on the Smartpunk stage, not because they were bad, but because the volume was so cranked, it made your ears hurt.

4. Musician talk: Unknown guitarist: “I’m not doing this next year, unless I’m playing over there [pointing to the main stages].”

5. Concert obstacle: The oppressive 99-degree heat wilted mohawks. Because of the sweat and dust, everyone eventually turned into mud people.

6. Weirdest sight: All the girls walking around in their bras because it was hot – there is a difference between underwear and bikini tops, ladies.

7. Best merchandise: Vans’ exclusive T-shirt bearing the “Don’t Get Emo” motto and a crossed-out, sad-looking cartoon emo face.

8. Random act of kindness: The two kids giving out free high-fives to everyone who passed through the shopping mall-like merchandise area.

9. Best food: The $6 jumbo hot dogs, because you knew that eating one would annoy all the insanely thin vegans.

10. Fashion statement: The girls wearing miniskirts and the boys in soccer shorts and flip flops. Clearly they were a couple of weeks late for the Dave Matthews Band show at Randalls Island.