IF EVER a woman needed a marriage bro ker, it’s Monica Lewin sky – and yet, there she was last night, in the role of marriage broker, helping another woman (who doesn’t need any outside help, thank you very much) find Mr. Right on Fox’s new reality show, “Mr. Personality.” I mean, really, can we get this woman a man already?

The show would have been 100 times better if poor Monica, who’s been the modern-day Hester Prynne for too long now, was the one who was getting matched up. I mean, the world forgave Vanessa Williams – didn’t they?

Of course, the show’s title, “Mr. Personality,” is very misleading. For one thing, if any of the cheesy clowns on last night’s show had a personality, it was as hidden as their faces. Man, what a bunch of cheesy bores.

For another thing, they don’t look all that much better when they pull the masks off, although I did like the angry NFL mascot.

Hey – you’d be angry too if you made your living in a giant animal head and plush suit with paws and tail.

The next thing that doesn’t work is that mail-order bride shows have become so common (and I do mean that in the cheapest possible way), that they seem to have developed a terrifyingly awful buzzword vocabulary of their own. These dopes all sound like they are trapped in a 1970s EST encounter group.

So, may I declare that from this moment on, the following words and phrases are forbidden on TV dating (and of course in real-life dating as well): “Fairy tale,” “journey,” “lady,” “share,” “knight in shining armor” and, worst of all, “I feel like a princess.” Eeeeyyeew. They make me want to on pull my skin off and shower.

So what, if anything, does work? Well, it’s fascinating to see how ridiculous people are willing to become just to get their faces on TV. But really, maybe they should rob a bank or something and get on “America’s Most Wanted.” It sure beats being a loser on dating shows, a k a “America’s Most Desperate.”

Why these shows are called reality is beyond me. I mean, really, when was the last time you got to wear a backless gown in a mansion while dancing with 20 men in masks? It was like a scene from “Eyes Wide Shut.”

Whose reality is this? The Marquis de Sade’s?

Of course, it beats being trapped on a barren desert island with 20 fat-free, incredibly competitive bartenders.

Somehow not seeing your date’s face beforehand was more fun on “The Dating Game.”