IF you’re a savvy New Yorker who assumes Times Square’s tourist restaurants are simply awful, it only proves how naive you are.

In fact, they are much, much worse.

Even though Times Square at its 100th birthday is now safe and family-friendly, nobody expects food there to be good. But must it be this terrible? With the exception of Blue Fin, the eateries in the “bow tie” formed by Broadway and Seventh Avenue between 42nd and 47th streets are strictly for suckers with thick wallets and/or acid-resistant esophagi.

Not all of the suckers are from Sheboygan. As I found during a two-week eating odyssey in the “Crossroads of the World,” many hail from the other boroughs and the nearby ‘burbs – and a few from Manhattan.

Scoring a table at Red Lobster can be tougher than getting into Spice Market. I waited 55 minutes, only to be seated on the awkward ground floor, where we got to watch bouncers toss out rowdy bar patrons.

But you don’t have to suffer horrible fast food, overpriced hotel fare and weird, fatty combinations in national chains.

Timid souls have only to stroll a few steps immediately north, east and west of Times Square proper to find splendid restaurants in every price range – from delightful and inexpensive old ethnic haunts like Margon (Cuban) and Cabana Carioca (Brazilian), to slick modern spots such as American-French DB Bistro Moderne and Italian brasserie Osteria Stella.

For each place I tried, I’ve suggested a better choice or two – chosen for being roughly in the same price range and within easy walking distance.

Missing from my survey are Planet Hollywood and ESPN Zone. I refused to eat at either because my system couldn’t take whatever was in their multi-level air – whether grease, oil or dried beer is more than I care to know. Get some ventilation!

Here’s my guide to Times Square dining, with the restaurants ranked in descending order of acceptability.

1. BLUE FIN (in the W Hotel): Modern seafood palace from mega-restaurateur Stephen Hanson, as variable as any place with 400 seats, but easily the class of the field.

SETTING: White-walled ground floor; larger, more colorful upstairs that’s bigger than some neighborhoods, with burled paneling, and booths and alcoves galore.

VIEWS: None.

WAITING TIME: None or brief with a reservation.

OVERHEARD LINE: “The department revolved around her, and when she got kicked upstairs, it immolated.”

FOOD: Good, seasonal modern-American seafood – lots of tuna – from chef Paul Sale, plus raw bar and full sushi/sashimi menu.

ENTRÉE PRICES: $21-$30

BETTER CHOICE: None. If you must eat in the bow tie, this is the place.

2. JW’s Steakhouse (in the Marriott Marquis Hotel eighth-floor lobby): So-so beef with a better wine list than the menu deserves.

SETTING: Dated and institutional, unlike the hotel’s other eateries, which have been stylishly redesigned.

VIEWS: Windows take in Coca-Cola sign and other bright lights. Tables at eastern end are best; others face blank wall of W Hotel.

WAITING TIME: Usually none; reservations taken.

SERVICE: Friendly but slow. We waited 10 minutes for oil and vinegar. Waitress apologized for not bringing wine promptly: “I have no bartender right now.”

OVERHEARD LINE: “You’re not in Garden City anymore” (companion of drunk guy at next table who spills water on us).

FOOD: Cold, vinegar-saturated beets. Two of three shrimp appetizers flavorless. Commercial-grade filet mignon in oily burgundy butter sauce and middling rack of lamb.

ENTRÉE PRICES: $22-$38

BETTER CHOICES:

For steak: Les Marais, friendly kosher steakhouse at 150 W. 46th St.; Frankie & Johnny’s, old-time atmosphere at 269 W. 45th.

For a view from the Marriott Marquis: the eighth-floor Broadway Lounge, more a tapas and snack bar than a restaurant, but with an eye-popping vista of bright lights.

3. FOLEY’S FISH HOUSE (Renaissance Hotel at 47th Street): Mediocre seafood despite affiliation with famed Boston purveyor.

SETTING: High ceiling, wraparound windows. Dull green carpeting, bland trim.

VIEWS: Wonderful vista facing south from third floor. Magic at dusk when supersigns light up: Budweiser, Virgin Megastore, Mr. Peanut, etc.

WAITING TIME: Usually none; reservations taken.

SERVICE: Friendly and professional.

OVERHEARD: “Block Island swordfish? I was there and I didn’t see any swordfish.”

FOOD: Satisfying, thick corn-crab chowder with potato; plump crab cakes with lots of filler, served with flavorless broccolini; innocuous prawns in anemic chili sauce.

ENTRÉE PRICES: $27-$39

BETTER CHOICE: Blue Fin, not only much better but cheaper.

4. BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP CO.: Mass-market chain inspired by “Forrest Gump” character.

SETTING: Sprawling second floor with wood-plank floor and ceiling. Roadside kitsch – flags, beer emblems, license plates.

VIEWS: Seats near windows on Broadway side face ABC and Nasdaq supersign.

WAITING TIME: No reservations. Varies at lunch; up to an hour at night.

SERVICE: Efficient but strange. Guys with walkie-talkies prowl the floor and constantly ask if you’re “all right.”

OVERHEARD (into cell phone): “I and the kids are doing all the normal things normal tourists supposed do” (sic).

FOOD: Better than Popeye’s, but not by much. Beer-battered shrimp ($15.99) taste distantly of pizza, thanks to trace amounts of oregano and garlic powder.

ENTRÉE PRICES: $11.49-$19.99

BETTER CHOICES: Virgil’s Real Barbecue, 44th between Broadway and Sixth Avenue, or Delta Grill, Ninth Avenue at 48th Street

5. RED LOBSTER: Chaotic, top-grossing outlet in national chain, with menu oddities like lobster pizza and “basil-infused haddock.”

SETTING: Comfortable, suburban-style upstairs room with booths. Cramped mezzanine and worse ground floor full of noisy drinkers.

VIEWS: None upstairs. Ground floor lets you watch the pedestrian stampede outside.

WAITING TIME: Up to 90 minutes. Customers are given a sex toy-like electronic device that lights up red and vibrates when the table is ready.

OVERHEARD: “What brings all these people?” “It must be the ambience.”

SERVICE: Our French fries never made it because “they have to come from upstairs.” Although the menu says you pick a live lobster “out of our tank,” when we asked where the tank was, the waitress said, “Oh, we don’t have one. I wish we did!”

FOOD: One-and-a-quarter-pound steamed Maine lobster ($28.99) tasted stale. Sole stuffed with lobster and deviled crab ($17.50) tasted pre-frozen and reheated. Heinous mozzarella sticks and clam strips. “Steamed” vegetables not fully defrosted.

ENTRÉE PRICES: $11.99-$29.99, most in the upper range.

BETTER CHOICE: City Crab & Lobster, 121 W. 49th St. Scarcely more expensive and a place that takes its crustaceans seriously.

6. OLIVE GARDEN: Tuscan burlesque amidst bus-terminal ambience.

SETTING: Waiting room-style ground floor. Trapezoidal upstairs with innumerable remote corners. Porticoed arcade evokes Bensonhurt pizza joint.

VIEWS: Not high enough above street for real drama.

WAITING TIME: Forever – and you may have to stand on the sidewalk.

SERVICE: Charmless but efficient.

OVERHEARD: (bartender) “I’m pouring Pinot Grigio no matter what they order.”

FOOD: Cream-sauce hell. Bruschetta with chopped tomatoes from the coldest part of the refrigerator. Pasta tastes mainly of salt and pepper. Mushroom ravioli stick to plate.

ENTRÉE PRICES: Pasta, $12.95-$19.95; meat and fish, $15.25-$24.95.

BETTER CHOICES: Trattoria Dopo Teatro, 125 W. 44th; and Carmine’s, 200 W. 44th St. Decent red sauce beats phony “northern” any day.