“Big Brother 2”

Last night at 8 on CBS/Ch. 2

Zero stars

HELP! I’m being held captive in a house of horrors with 12 jackasses!

That’s what it felt like to watch last night’s premiere of “Big Brother 2,” the CBS show about life inside a human zoo.

Few things short of a long prison term would be more unpleasant than spending anymore time with the likes of Mike the bar owner from L.A. or Justin the bartender from Bayonne.

They’re just two of the more hideous of the dozen contestants whose confinement in the renovated “Big Brother” house at least ensures that they’ll be separated from the rest of us for the duration of the summer.

Avoid visiting this house like you would the Last House on the Left. For inside the “Big Brother” house, torture awaits you.

Once inside, you’ll be forced to endure a group of grown-ups who behave like hyperactive children on a sugar buzz and, if you’re a guy, men who will insist on addressing you as “bro’ ” or “dude.”

Talk about arrested development – when Mike the bar owner (a 30-year-old who actually bragged that his nickname is “Mike Boogie”) dropped his shorts on a dare and played butt bongo in the face of one of the women, it was then that I realized that the only thing worse than watching “Big Brother” would be to actually be on “Big Brother.”

The only thing I liked in the entire hour was that there seemed to be an ample supply of cigarettes. And what better way is there to kill time in prison than to stand in the yard and smoke?