CAN we talk?

Whether you love or loathe former red-carpet commentatrix Joan Rivers, anybody who sat through Sunday night’s Emmy pre-show anchored by Star Jones will back up our demand:

Bring back the yakking yenta.

Melissa, too.

Instead of River’s opinionated fashion commentary, viewers had to suffer through two long hours of the self-absorbed Jones blathering on about her wedding and begging celebrities to sign up for slots on “The View” during

February sweeps.

Yawn.

We tuned in to get our dose of style dish – like, why was Jennifer Garner wearing a giant doily? – not to be subjected a snooze-fest featuring Star, smugly accepting compliments on her choice of designer threads.

(Pssst: Those movie stars who gushed over her princess-beaded Badgley Mischka weren’t being honest. Her first dress, by Marc Bouwer, was far more flattering. Don’t be such a patsy.)

If only Joan – who defected to TV Guide from E! – had been there. She would have told Star the truth. She would also have told Lorraine Bracco to whisper a word in Tony Soprano’s ear.

We’re sure he would oblige and put a hit out on whoever encouraged Bracco to squeeze into that sparkling Douglas Hannant gown.

Halter-necks, as Joan would have explained, tend to be hazardous if you’re bigger than a B-cup.

Kirstie Alley and Barbra Streisand would have gotten a dressing-down from Joan, who would have pointed out – in

her classic, less-than-tactful fashion – that they both looked like they pulled a “Gone With the Wind” and upholstered themselves in the living room drapes.

Time for a trip to Barneys, ladies.

Since our beloved Joan of Arch couldn’t be ringside at the Emmy red-carpet carnival, we decided to channel her

thoughts: the good, the bad and, of course, the downright ugly.

—

Kirstie Alley: “Where’s the Renaissance Faire? Talk about a damsel in distress!”

Jennifer Garner: “Trying to tell Ben something? Honey, he’s not the marrying type – and that doily won’t change his

mind.”

Barbra Streisand: “Those shoulders are like buttah, Barbra – something you obviously have a taste for.”

Sharon Stone/Joely Richardson: “I’ve got earrings that weigh more than you two do.”

Drea de Matteo/Portia de Rossi: “I’m confused … which one of you got whacked on ‘The Sopranos’?”

Heather Locklear in Oscar de la Renta: “You look younger now than you did in ‘T.J. Hooker’!”

Jamie-Lynn DiScala in Monique Lhuillier: “Cute, lovely, adorable. Who needs an Emmy? I want to put you on my mantel.”

Joan Rivers: “If I looked as gorgeous as you girls, my plastic surgeon would go out of business!”

Glenn Close in Oscar de la Renta: “If you’d worn that in ‘Fatal Attraction,’ you’d still be on the kitchen counter.”

Kim Cattrall in Pamella Roland: “Sarah Jessica would give her Blahniks to look like you tonight!”

Jennifer Aniston in Chanel: “Tell Brad he’s a lucky man. OK, so tell him again.”