SUBJECT: Hakeem Olaju-Wants To Be Traded
Excuse me for not completely understanding The African Nightmare’s rationale behind this request. Due to dissatisfaction with no longer being the offensive focal point of the 20-20 Rockets – a para-professional center away from acting like an authentic playoff contender – Houston’s all-time franchise player would like to go elsewhere to help another team compete for a title.
Hey, no problem, Hakeem, this is your world, we only live in it.
And what happens if management can’t find a team willing and able to exchange enough expiring contracts to match (within 15 percent) his final season’s $16,685,665 salary?
Well, then, maybe the powers-that-be would consider doing Hakeem a big solid by releasing him (with pay, of course) into the wild so he can hook up with another pivotally-neutered team such as Miami or Phoenix after clearing waivers for the veteran ($1M pro-rated) minimum.
Although that touchy subject has yet to be broached, sources say Hakeem is scheduled to meet the day after tomorrow with owner/North Fork vineyard baron Les Alexander.
Selfish? Far be it from me to insinuate Hakeem cares more about himself than his one and only Rockets? The NBA’s only team, mind you, with a losing home record (9-10) and winning road mark (11-10). Like Patrick Ewing in New York, his ego can’t take the humiliation of being phased out as the center of attention.
“When the offense is running through Steve and Connie Francis, it’s time to go,” Hakeem reasons.
SUBJECT: A Sad Tale Of “Disobey-Area” Point Guards
Nice image projected by former Oakland schoolboy legends Jason Kidd and Gary Payton this past week. Captain Kidd admitted striking his wife, while Payton was suspended for crossing into dangerous territory when he failed to mince words with coach Nate McMillan, the one person in Seattle (other than Bill Gates) more beloved than the Bloody Glove.
Who ever thought Isaiah Rider would wind up the Bay Area’s only true role model?
Let’s see how many public service announcements the league has to concoct to smooth this over.
Not to worry. Paul Westphal plans to plead the cases of Payton (readily available in a trade that makes sense for the first time; that noise you hear is Dave Checketts’ heart palpitating) and Kidd as soon as he clears Rae Carruth’s name.
FYI: Without both evil spirits, the Sonics and Suns lost at home Friday, to the Timberwolves and dreadfully-depleted Warriors, respectively.
Knowing Jerry Colangelo as well as I do, now nobody in the Kidd family is untouchable.
SUBJECT: Chris Webber for MVP
As the All-Star selection process winds down, the race for league honors heats up. The Kings have wasted no time in promoting C-Webb for most valuable player.
Sacramento’s public relations staff recently included an impressive bio sheet of Webber in its press packets, detailing everything from this season’s statistics (26.6 points per game, 11.6 rebounds, 2.39 blocks, 40.3 minutes) to his charitable contributions (100G to Detroit PAL for renovating a local gym) to personal interests.
Apparently, Webber collects signed historical documents of prominent African Americans. The rest of us call them basketball and baseball trading cards.
SUBJECT: These Bucks Don’t Stop Anywhere
Milwaukee won in Charlotte Friday, 105-98, in a game of one ship wreck passing a cruise vessel in the night. The central-division-leading Bucks ran their winning streak to six (16 of 20), whereas the Hive-Nots have dropped four straight and 10 of 13.
Oddly enough, the Hornets managed to lose for a change without the inept input of trusty Derrick Coleman.
How ironic was it that George Karl commemorated his 1,000th NBA game as head coach (597-403) in revered North Carolina. Afterward, he was fired by owner Herb Kohl and replaced by Bill Guthridge.
SUBJECT: Doc Rivers Changes Last Name To Up-The-Creek
Once again, a team has paid an unnecessary heavy toll for failing to foul in the last seconds of regulation while leading by three. What Doc should have done Thursday was order the Magic to put someone on the line for two meaningless shots (before they entered the act of shooting from 3-point range), as opposed to hoping to withstand the Mavericks’ difficult chance to tie.
By letting the play rage out of his control, last season’s Coach of the Year cost Orlando a sure victory.
Michael Finley climaxed Dallas’ amazing comeback (his previous 3-ball ticks before, a straight-away banker, was pure luck; this one was entirely intentional) by hitting nothing but macramé. Adding torture to torment, the Olympian-in-the-making accomplished the feat directly in front of Doc, who thoroughly allowed the game to get away from him down the stretch.
Naturally, Dallas succeeded, 115-106, in OT.
To celebrate, Easy Mark Cuban invited Linda Chavez’ favorite illegal alien to move into his guest house.
SUBJECT: But Who Will Get The Monument?
This weekend, as Bill Clinton leaves office, Michael Jordan gets to relive his fond first year of working wonders with the Wizards . . . losers of nine straight and never looking more like quitters than they did Friday against the Raptors.
Let’s take this momentous occasion, I submit, to salute one guy who’s exposing himself in the Front Office and another guy who exposed himself in the Oval Office.
SUBJECT: Nuggets win fourth straight
Dan Issel’s converted mutineers (24-16) are currently holding down the eighth and final playoff spot in the west. The question remains, who will realize this first, NBC, Turner Sports or the Boulder police?
