HONDO HOLDS THE CARDS
Hondo did a spread split with the Cards and Ravens in the Conference title games, which left him tied for second place, a game behind Paul Schwartz with one to play. If all goes according to plan Sunday, Mr. Aitch will be joining Postseason Paul and Ms. Charleen for a parade through the Bettor’s Guide canyon of heroes.
Before unveiling his Super Bowl analysis, Hondo has asked Chief Justice John Roberts to start the proceedings by saying the Pledge of Allegiance.
Justice Roberts: I pledge to the flag of the U.S. allegiance because it stands for a nation . . .
Never mind, judge.
SUPER BOWL XLIII: As Hondo-damus sees it, it’s Pittsburgh’s firepower against Kurt Warner’s Higher Power, which means the Steelers don’t have a prayer. Count on Air ‘Zona, with mastermind Todd Haley at the controls, to generate another 30-plus points, just like in their last four games. Nobody, not even the big, bad, No. 1 Steeler “D,” stops Haley’s Comet, aka Larry Fitzgerald.
As for Pittsburgh’s offense, it’s not built for shootouts, especially with Hines Ward hurting. That means the Steelers will be in trouble once the Cards start to pull away and the clock starts ticking on Big Ben in the second half.
Plus, who wants to root for the Steelers with all that talk about Terrible Towels and their Steel Curtain? It’s like rooting for Bed, Bath and Beyond. If nothing else, Pitt fans can use the Towels to sop up their tears: CARDINALS 31, STEELERS 24.
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SUPER CELEBRITY PICKS:
Jessica Simpson: Can you call me back later? I’m right in the middle of a Double Whopper with extra cheese.
The Pope: Gotta go with my guys . . . the Cardinals.
(Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner wanted to make a selection but tax cheats are banned from Super Celebrity Picks.)
Charles Barkley: The Cards will be in it most of the way but will end up blowing it.
Stu Rasmussen (newly elected mayor of Silverton, Ore., who had his breasts enlarged): Can’t pick now; I’m bra shopping.
Rod Blagojevich: What’s it worth to you? My pick’s a bleeping valuable thing. I’m not going to just give it away for nothing.
Eliot Spitzer: I just like the propositions.
Plaxico Burress: Gotta give the Cards a shot, 44-38.
William Ayers: Cards – they’re much more explosive.
Joe Biden: I root for the underdog, just like FDR always did when he watched the Super Bowl back in the ’30s and ’40s.
Mike Francesa: It’s going to be enormous, just enormous.
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Meanwhile, in other matters of consequence:
Michael Jackson is talking to producers about turning “Thriller” into a Broadway musical. There’s a perfect match: The Great White Way and The Great White Pop Star.
The Kennedys are said to be furious with Gov. Paterson over his treatment of Caroline. Probably nothing will come of it, but as a precaution, the governor has been advised not to take any late-night car rides with Ted.
E-mauler Ed Buckmir (junior half of the Brothers Buckmir) predicts Steelers 27, Cardinals 16, “although I would not be surprised if the Steel Curtain pitches a shutout, much like brother Mick has done this season with his dearth of Hondo column contributions.”
“Daisy Duke is quickly evolving into Boss Hog right before our eyes,” claims Mick Buckmir, avoiding the shutout.
Rosie O’Donnell announced she has given up blogging. Word is she wants to do more snacking.
Not only is Obama, as promised, pushing for more fuel-efficient cars, he also included $335 million in his economic stimulus package for prevention of sexually transmitted diseases (a sore spot with some). Clearly, the president is concerned with improving emission standards across the board.
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And finally, no Hondo Super Bowl column is complete without input from Paul (Pickin’) Aswad, who was granted lifetime prognostication privileges when he pulled a push out of his Aswad in Supe XXXIV.
This year, Aswad, of the Albany Aswads, has dug deep and dislodged this tasty Aswadian nugget: Steelers 34, Cardinals 20. Could happen, but then again Paul might have shot his Aswad with the push.
Peace till April, all ye in HondoNation and points beyond.
hondo@nypost.com
