I finally figured it out. It’s the only remaining logical explanation.

We’re being punished!

For what, I don’t yet know. But I’m working on it.

Meanwhile, the punishments grow in volume and severity. How else to explain why Fox’s Chris Spielman spent Sunday’s Giants-Eagles game lecturing about plays “in space” and in a “vertical” direction?

He eventually violated the Geneva Conventions, with this about the Eagles: “They have had problems creating space and getting open. No vertical threats besides Zach Ertz. And when your tight end is your biggest vertical threat, you don’t have a vertical threat.”

Do such telecasts come with final requests? A last meal for the condemned? If so, don’t make a fuss; I’ll have anything left in the kitchen.

Saturday on ABC/ESPN, a common play that needed no explanation — Florida State linebacker DeCalon Brooks jumped and knocked down a pass by Florida’s Feleipe Franks — led to this punishment from analyst Greg McElroy: “Coming off the edge, no one accounts for Brooks, so he goes vertical and slaps down the pass. That’s one Feleipe would love to have back. He just couldn’t negotiate a throwing lane.”

What? No! Don’t call the Governor! I’m ready to go. Tell my kids I love them!

On CBS, during the opening possession of Auburn-Alabama, unnecessary roughness was called on Crimson Tide running back Josh Jacobs, pushing his team back to its 12-yard line.

But analyst Gary Danielson, who has become a bad-is-good panderer, said this meets with his understanding and approval.

“That’s just the way Josh plays,” he said. “He is a fun, what did Nick Saban say? ‘He’s like a demon out there.’ ” Then Danielson and partner Brad Nessler chuckled.

That’s just the way he plays? Dirty? He just cost his team 15 yards? Mirth and merriment!

Soon, two more flags for unsportsmanlike conduct — three in six minutes — made pandering a bit more burdensome.

Then there are those who specialize in late, no-kidding assessments. Every Monday night, ESPN’s Booger McFarland, from his ludicrous Rubber Booger Buggy, tells us whether it was a good or bad play-call — after the play.

Saturday, Ohio State, with two timeouts left in the first half, had second-and-goal from Michigan’s 2 when the Buckeyes, off a run, were stopped at the 1, then called time.

On Fox, analyst Joel Klatt reasoned — and well — that Ohio State should have passed. He had ample time to say that prior to the run, but withheld his wisdom until after the play failed.

Monday night, with the Titans down 14 to the Texans at the start of the second half, Jason Witten and McFarland three times said the Titans defense “needs to get a stop, here,” — now aka “gotta get off the field” and before that “force a punt” — flaying us with three servings of say-anything filler barely worth one.

Equally oppressed reader Jack Seaman: “At the next ESPYs, the Lifetime Achievement Award should be to the guy who invented the mute button.”

Not even genetic engineering is capable of producing anything as special as Mike Francesa. Although gracious enough to share the air he breathes — when he’s done with it — he pretends to know everything when all evidence stands to the contrary. And despite his failure to acknowledge that he’s always wrong, the enormity of his authoritative inaccuracies persists.

Francesa, before Saturday’s Michigan-Ohio State game and, as always, available on #backaftathis: “There are very few defenses that can dictate terms in college football, and Michigan has one.” He went on to explain to the unwashed masses that its D is so “dominant” that Michigan, four-point favorite, would win by at least 10.

Later, when a caller asked about the NFL prospects of Ohio State quarterback Dwayne Haskins, Francesa dismissed “Matt in Jersey” as an idiot, with, “He’s not even a good player” as he disconnected the call.

Final score: Ohio State 62, Michigan 39 — the most points ever allowed by a Michigan team. Haskins had six TD throws and 396 passing yards.

When that game was next broached, Francesa said it was a surprising result and that Haskins appears to be a pretty good player. He did not acknowledge that he had said a word to the contrary. But the only fool left to fool is himself.

Sunday, switching between the Patriots-Jets and Giants-Eagles flag football games — a total of 37 accepted penalties — CBS’s Ian Eagle told us that Tom Brady feels MetLife Stadium is more visitor-friendly than was Giants Stadium, which was louder, thus tougher to play in.

That’s what happens when you price out generations of unconditionally devoted fans, replacing them with PSL suckers left to defray some of their expenses by selling their tickets to whomever, but especially to fans of the visiting teams.

Millions of dollars, much of it from taxpayers, are thrown at college football to win games. So, deep into the second quarter, Rutgers was up, 7-0, at Michigan State on Saturday with a chance to win a Big Ten game for the first time this season. But an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on defensive back Damon Hayes led to a 7-7 tie, a 14-10 loss and 0-9 in the Big Ten.

SNY’s “Loud Mouths” hosts Marc Malusis and Jon Hein risked ridicule by TV-desensitized young fools Wednesday when both claimed to be sick of attention-starved, contrived on-field football celebrations, doubly so by members of the losing teams.

Figures Ronald Torreyes couldn’t last as a Yankee. All he did was play hard, play several positions and hit singles and doubles rather than strike out trying to hit home runs.

Reader Mike Caputo was confused by the ESPN graphic Monday, noting that Titans running back Dion Lewis has “18.8 touches per game since Week 7.” How, Caputo asked, do you get .8 of a touch? Simple: On one carry he used only eight fingers, or on two carries he used only four.

CBS sideliner Jamie Erdahl, reporting from Saturday’s Auburn-Alabama game about how Crimson Tide quarterback Tua Tagovailoa does everything right-handed except throw a football: “He even kicks a soccer ball right-handed.”