TALKING Typo Bill Walton either rants in counterfeit superlatives or raves in the bogus plu-imperfect. Rarely is there any gray matter in between, either. Like Charles Barkley, he’s always one breath away from contradicting his last distortion. Surely he’d be better off beginning his babble by claiming he’s about to be misquoted.

You can spend the whole telecast correcting their gibberish (as I can testify from personal experience on both networks), but that only encourages them to seize more hot air time than they customarily confiscate. Therefore, by not retorting, you just have to pray the audience doesn’t think you so much as vaguely agree.

At one point during Sunday’s ABC’s afternoon annoyance, Walton said these T’Wolves “are the best in franchise history.”

Really?

Better than when Terrell Brandon orchestrated the offense in 1999-2000 for Kevin Garnett, Wally Szczerbiak, Malik Sealy, Sam Mitchell, Bobby Jackson, Anthony Peeler, and Smith (11.2 points) when he wasn’t such an ordinary Joe?

Better than the ’97-98 team that flaunted K.G., Stephon Marbury, leading scorer Tom Gugliotta, Mitchell, Porter and Peeler?

Moments later, the seriously delirious Medicinal Bill accurately noted these T’Wolves are saturated with players than nobody wanted . . . and will continue not to want (other than Rasho Nesterovic) when they’re free again this summer.

For Walton’s edification, that’s why Garnett hasn’t extended his contract past next season; he suspects your old Celtic buddy Kevin McHale hasn’t surrounded him with enough help to get anything worthwhile accomplished. Translation: The T’Wolves aren’t really such a good team, Bill.

Allow me to reiterate: More sound bites from Sal Masakela and Michele Tafoya.

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Allen Iverson was so dominant notching 55 points in Game 1 against the Hornets, he also earned a berth on the Winter Olympic team . . . While watching the Lakers return to their birthplace and shoot 52.6 percent from 3-point range (55 overall), I got the distinct impression the Timberwolves wish they’d never been born.

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The Bucks are demanding the league office force the Nets to play Dikembe Mutombo more than marginal minutes . . . Drew Gooden played so well in Orlando’s opening win over Detroit Jerry West inquired about his availability . . . Reggie Miller is the only Pacer with legendary playoff clips, yet he only played two minutes (it was imperative to have defensive people in the game, was the explanation, which clarifies Austin Croshere‘s second half squat after a productive 12 minutes in the first) in the fourth quarter of Game 1. Think maybe Isiah Thomas doesn’t get Classic Sports in Indy?

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If the Wizards don’t work things out with Michael Jordan, is it at all possible that M. J., Scottie Pippen and Karl Malone would join Kobe, Shaq and Phil Jackson? They all couldn’t get paid, but think of the money they’d pocket from the movie rights . . . The Pacers must get the ball out of Paul Pierce‘s hands. Especially when he puts it on the floor, because he’s not an especially good passer and will turn it over. Once Pierce goes into his move his focus is to draw a foul, not give it up.

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You would hope Mitch (no news all the time) Lawrence‘s Sunday item regarding Mike Dunleavy would at least have the precise team (the Spurs, not the Mavericks) he does color commentary for. OK, so I’m nitpicking. OK, I agree, Lawrence did have the appropriate state. After all, there were 50 to choose from . . . It was heartwarming to see Tracy McGrady (43 points in 39 minutes) make a miraculous recovery from a season ending injury that prevented him from witnessing the light of day in the final game.

If you were a betting man, and you knew Gary Payton, Sam Cassell and Jason Caffey were scheduled to fly to Toronto hours after Saturday’s opening game in Jersey to face assault charges stemming from a strip-club altercation, think that might give you a wagering edge? To protect the integrity of the game, the Bucks, as well as the league, should make such a “head trip” exceedingly public beforehand. Obviously, something was certainly bothering Payton in Game 1, but not until the next day did most of us find out what it was.

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Can’t believe Doug Collins‘ admission of anarchy in Washington. What’s he striving for, a bloodless coup with a huge settlement? Why else confirm you can’t control a college age player or two? Guess Collins won’t be considered for the Kansas job. Also can’t believe Aff-Air Jordan’s comment that he’d rather not have these kinds of things out in open. “Those are things I’d like to handle internally.” Like Mr. 23 Skidoo never subjected a subordinate to a public flogging. Come to think of it, he dogged his teammates at a press conference two weeks previously.