Official title: His Excellency, General Colonel Doctor Aladeen, Democratic President-for-Life, Invincible and All-Triumphant Commander, Chief Ophthalmologist, Brilliant Genius of Humanity, Excellent Swimmer Including Butterfly, and Beloved Oppressor and Ruthless Protector of the Precious and Expendable People of Wadiya.

Birthday: Today! The General commands, “Just send presents. When choosing gifts, remember: It’s the price that counts.”

Age: 30, though looks much older. He claims, “Any photos you may have seen of Aladeen as a child in the mid-’70s, including a great one of him at the premiere of ‘Saturday Night Fever,’ were doctored by the corrupt Zionist Western media.”

Catchphrase: “Death to the West!”

Rise to power: When Aladeen was just a child, his father Omar died in a tragic hunting accident when he was hit by 97 stray bullets and a stray grenade. Aladeen succeeded.

Education: Even though he was born with all the world’s knowledge inside his head, he went on to earn 118 doctoral degrees from various universities, including Northwest Aladeen State.

Latest scandal: While walking the red carpet at this year’s Oscars, Aladeen accidentally dumped the ashes of North Korean strongman (and Aladeen’s tennis doubles

partner) Kim Jong-il on Ryan Seacrest (below). Aladeen later joked that it was not the first Asian guy to end up all over Seacrest’s chest.

Assassination attempts: Two, one by poisoned milkshake, another by exploding camel.

Bodyguards: A ruthless crew of 25 female virgin women, whose virginity he checks every night. Favorite celebrity: Mel Gibson, who heads Wadiya’s Department of Race Relations and is on the board of the Museum of Intolerance.

Advice for other leaders: “When you pay for hookers, don’t use the government credit card. Always cash. I know it’s tempting to put it on the credit card for the air miles, but you have to do what’s right. What I did to Rihanna could have flown me around the world 10 times first-class.”

Hobbies: In addition to being Wadiya’s head, he is also the country’s No. 1 drive-time DJ. He also hosts, judges and competes in “Wadiya’s Next Top Model,” which he has won 14 years running.

Favorite films: “When Harry Kidnapped Sally,” “You’ve Got Mailbomb” and “Planet of the Rapes.”

Notable scientific contributions: His official bio claims he created the swine flu vaccine and discovered aerosol cheese.