Batting for (big) bucks

MON 14, SPORTS

Chelsea Piers Lighthouse, Pier 61 (at West 23rd Street)

All those hours playing stickball in the street could pay off huge for one lucky New Yorker. Like, $1 million huge. From 10 a.m. to 1 p.m a batting tee will be erected on the pier, and a 25-foot inflatable VitaminWater bottle (with a 5-foot glove atop it) will be tethered to a barge floating about 150 feet away on the river. The first contestant to hit the ball through the hole in the glove wins the cash. Meet Red Sox’ David “Papi” Ortiz and other stars, plus sip free VitaminWater.

Hot man-on-man action

THURS 17, SPORTS

Hudson River Park, Pier 84 (at West 44th Street); (212) 627-2020, hudsonriverpark.org/events.asp

If you like taking in a little bloodsport while watching the sun set slowly over the Hudson, the Rumble on the River is your jam. Watch for free as amateur boxers from the five boroughs take each other on. The first punch is thrown at 7 p.m., but get there early to snag a ringside seat.

Appetite for destruction

THURS 17, ART

New Museum of Contemporary Art, 235 Bowery; (212) 219-1222, newmuseum.org

Sure, the entire nation is roasting. Wildfires are decimating California, earthquakes have destroyed huge areas of China, and offshore oil drilling may soon commence. But to some artists, it could be worse. Case in point: “After Nature,” a new exhibit opening Thursday, depicts nightmare scenarios of human-created environmental devastation. On the plus side? That New Museum has great air-conditioning. Admission costs $12.

Vintage ladies, Beaujolais dudes

WED 16, DATING

Alibi, 116 MacDougal St.; (212) 254-9996, dateanddash.com and alibiny.com

OK, some might call it “cougar” speed dating, but we prefer to consider this evening as a fantabulous blending of fine, mellowed Old World varietals with insouciant, so-fresh-you-could-slap-’em Aussie grapes. OK, analogy thoroughly depleted. Bottom line: If you’re a gal who likes your men younger, or a dude who prefers your ladies more mature, this “Date and Dash” event is your speed-dating dream come true! Women get in free (suggested age range 35 to 55), and guys (21 to 33) pay $39.99. Check-in time is 8 p.m., and pre-registration is strongly suggested.

The Muses Are Heard

FRI 18, FILM

IFC Center, 323 Sixth Ave.; (212) 924-7771, uncoolkids.com/buffy

Have you ever actually sat through the 1980 movie “Xanadu”? Despite its successful Broadway adaptation, the unintentionally surreal, high-camp original in which Olivia Newton-John (above, center) is sent to Earth by Zeus to open a roller disco, is almost unwatchable. Almost. But unspool it before an audience of riled-up kitsch lovers at a midnight screening/singalong, and you’ll have to believe we are magic. Tickets to the witching-hour show cost $13.50, or $10.50 for IFC Center members.