Who the hell cares about what won Best Picture?! (It was “CODA.”)

There was just one scene-stealing moment at the otherwise snoozy Oscars on Sunday night. It was the best minute of TV in many years. “Game of Thrones”‘ “Red Wedding,” eat your heart out.

Two and a half hours in, a crazed Will Smith stormed the stage after presenter Chris Rock, who should’ve hosted, mockingly said to Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, “Jada, I love you! ‘G.I. Jane 2′ — can’t wait to see it!” An innocent little joke.

Well, Smith then walked up to Rock and slapped the comedian. The audio cut out on American TV and Smith yelled, “Keep my wife’s name out of your f–king mouth!” Twice.

The act was ungraceful, humorless and pathetic. And juicy as a porterhouse at Peter Luger. It was so ridiculous that at first it came across like a stunt. But why would a nominee for the prestigious Best Actor prize angrily yell “f–k!” in the Dolby Theater? Twice? 

When he won, Smith offered a mea culpa. “I know to do what we do,” he said, crying, “you gotta be able to take abuse, you gotta be able to have people talk crazy about you … You gotta smile and pretend like that’s OK.”

He went on: “I want to apologize to the Academy. I want to apologize to all the other nominees.”

Why apologize, Will?!

The little baby gave the Oscars just the punch it needed. That testy exchange between the comedian and man-child was what audiences were craving after nearly three hours of dozing off on the couch.

Because, oy, the Oscars have aged. Badly.

Watching the geriatric ceremony up ’til then was like gathering ’round the phonograph or perusing the library card catalog. The show was as hip and with it as Lawrence Welk and a steaming hot bowl of turtle soup. “Grandpa, it’s time for bed,” we all gently said to the TV. But it kept on rambling the same old stories anyway. Aw.  

The Academy Awards was already on its last legs — last year’s ratings was a dismal 10.4 million viewers — and last night we witnessed just how quickly the pandemic has sped up the decomposition. Even for the buffest of film buffs, the Oscars was a long slog. Until Smith.

The nominated movies were, for the most part, easily accessible on streaming services, but few people were enthusiastic about the films that were being celebrated. We still got a three-and-a-half-hour network telecast honoring them. I watched every single film and I was desperate — desperate, I tell ya! — for the ceremony to be a digestible podcast or newsletter instead of the march to midnight. When there’s no “Titanic” or “Avatar” or “Black Panther,” there is no suspense.

Was this year’s Academy Awards as bad as last year’s disaster? No. Because Wacky Will went off the rails. But in returning to the basic format and pablum of the past, the Academy has ignored our changing tastes and habits — and given melatonin a run for its money.

The Academy made hilarious efforts to keep our interest. They added “fan favorite” categories, à la the MTV Awards, and they kicked several creative categories to an untelevised pre-show event. They included a performance of the overrated song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” from “Encanto,” even though it wasn’t nominated for anything. None of it mattered. With all the overlong speeches and political talking points, the Oscars could’ve snagged the role of a Senate filibuster.    

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The ceremony was woke as ever, despite audiences at home demonstrably not wanting any of that. Hosts Amy Schumer, Wanda Sykes and Regina Hall went after the “Don’t Say Gay” bill in Florida, a gag about voting in Texas and other hot topics we hear enough about on the news. But later on, when Ukrainian-born actress Mila Kunis took the stage to discuss the horrific war Russia has waged on her homeland, she spoke in bizarre vagaries.  

“Recent global events have left many of us feeling gutted,” said the actress. “Yet when you witness the strength and dignity of those facing such devastation, it’s impossible to not be moved by their resilience.” Thousands of innocents are dying and we couldn’t denounce Vladimir Putin at the Oscars?   

There was some onscreen text specifically mentioning Ukraine, but why not use the podium for the most important struggle in our world today? Schumer got to it towards the end, but mentioned the conflict glibly: “And people are dying in Ukraine, and trans people.”

It’s not that the trio of hosts weren’t ever funny, but their best jokes were — hello! — about the stars and movies.

Schumer sarcastically “praised” Aaron Sorkin and his “innovation to make a movie about Lucille Ball without a moment that’s funny.” Wonderful. The camera panned to Andrew Garfield, who made a face like his mother just said the foulest of curse words.

Speaking of the night’s big Netflix loser, “The Power of the Dog,” Wanda Sykes said, “You know, I’ve watched that movie three times and I’m halfway through it.” Hilarious.

It was touching when the deaf actor Troy Kotsur won for “CODA,” and when Ariana DeBose took home her first Oscar for “West Side Story.” 

But it’s Will Smith who made Oscar history Sunday night. Sally Field once said, “You like me. You really like me.” And Marion Cotillard exclaimed, “There [are] some angels in this city.” In 2022, Will Smith shouted, “Get my wife’s name out of your f–king mouth.” Let Smith host next year, Academy, because that is what we want to see at the Oscars. Absolute insanity.