Just when our religious leaders thought Harry Potter books had lost their satanic grip on kids – as evidenced by a 64 percent drop in the number of school teachers turned into Gila monsters – along comes a new and more menacing force: the movie merchandise.
With “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Marketing Team” breaking box-office records, aspiring wizards and witches have been snatching up everything from Professor Snape Parental Guilt Potions to Lord Voldemort Allowance Enhancers.
If this continues, say religious officials, America could become a nation of godless evildoers, where everyone drives around in SUVs while talking on Gryffindor cell phones.
Among the top-selling tie-ins is the Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak.
When wrapped in this clever garment, wearers are not only unseen by the Muggle world, but unheard, too. As much fun for moms as it is for kids!
Another biggie is the Hermione Granger Levitating Challenge Game. Using only a magic wand and some fishing string, players can make their homework rise from the table, float across the room and drop straight into Fido’s mouth.
And let’s not forget the Hogwarts Sorting Hat. Place it on Harry’s head to see which tax bracket he’ll fall into next year.
These and $65 million worth of other playthings that disappeared off the shelves last week, clerics insist, are tools of the devil.
But if you ask me (or even if you don’t), the whole thing smacks of sour grapes.
Instead of worrying so much about a fictional character’s ability to squeeze vast profits out of exasperated parents, religious leaders should finesse a few tax-free bucks out of their own fictional characters.
After all, the Bible is the best-selling book of all time – and that’s not just according to The New York Times. Amazon.com says so, too.
One timely tie-in that comes to mind is the Three Wise Men Interactive Trivia Game. Among the questions: “Is there a God?” “Why do we suffer?” and “What’s the Holy Spirit’s favorite color?”
If you’re stumped, just place your gold, frankincense or myrrh game piece in the manger and infinite wisdom is yours for years to come.
Another is the Burning Bush Nightlight, which emits five watts of heavenly glow while keeping watch over sleeping tots. Should the little angels start to stir, the gizmo delivers one of 10 Fatherly commandments, including “Get back into bed!” and “You already had a glass of water!”
Then there’s my favorite: the Immaculate Conception Play Set. Pull up to the Desert Inn, park your donkey, check Virgin Mary into the honeymoon suite, dial womb service and – hallelujah! – she’s in a family way.
(Baby Jesus sold separately.)
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