CHOOCH

[Zero stars]

‘CHOOCH” – a virtually unwatchable alleged comedy about two supposedly lovable Italian-American screw-ups from the Corona Heights section of Queens – is the sort of vanity project that gives amateurs a bad name.

A classic soundtrack including Louis Armstrong, John Lee Hooker, Bo Diddley and George Thorogood is the sole professional touch in this slow, sloppy, incoherent and unfunny tale of a mama’s boy – labeled a “Chooch,” or “lazy mule” in Italian by his softball teammates – who flees to Cancun with his cousin after losing a game.

There are no mobsters here, but there are plenty of banditos and offensive south-of-the-border stereotypes.

Stars Carmine Famiglietti, Joseph Summa and Gino Cafarelli apparently also wrote “Chooch” and directed it under a trio of aliases. They shoulda applied to the witness-protection program instead.

In English, Italian and Spanish, with English subtitles. Running time: 79 minutes. Rated R (profanity). At the Union Square, East. 13th Street and Broadway.