Don’t open your mail. It may contain an invite to a dinner party. And you don’t want that … unless you’re prepared to attend with the necessary facts.

NOTHING TO SNIFF AT

A secret admirer sent a pair of underwear and a love letter to a 59-year-old man in Fallon, Nev., this week. The man, after sniffing the black thong, thought he had received a case of anthrax. The unnamed man told the Associated Press: “I don’t know of anybody who would do this and I have no explanation for it.” Maybe it came from a woman who likes neurotics with a good sense of smell and no self-esteem.

BOO-HOO

Cell phones may be scaring off English ghosts, reports Britain’s Sunday Express. Tony Cornell of the Society for Psychical Research said the drop in specter sightings corresponds directly with the rise in cell phone use.

“Ghost sightings have remained consistent for centuries,” Cornell said. “Until three years ago, we’d receive reports of two new ghosts every week.” Last report received: Casper flying about with no minutes and a wicked case of brain cancer.

SCRAMBLED VOW

Nicole Kidman told BBC host Michael Parkinson that she’s shaking off the divorce blues and is ready to walk down the aisle again. She said: “There’s times when you say, ‘I just want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed,’ and then you have a 6-year-old coming in and going, “Where’s breakfast?” Maybe Kidman should stay in bed, where she may do her best acting.

GOT A LIFE?

A vacant Powell, Wy., home, scheduled for demolition in November, is becoming a work of art, thanks to New York artist Cosimo Cavallaro, who is covering the abode with heated pepperjack cheese. Cavallaro gave some sharp comments about the playful foodstuff to the Associated Press: “It’s milk. It’s life.” But life doesn’t give you gas, make you a laughingstock and ruin your career. Then again …

BOTTOMS UP

DuPont Lycra has created the “Wonderbum,” hosiery that perks up the tush. “It has soft shaping powers that lift and separate the cheeks,” said brand manager Linda Kearns. Let’s hope the nation’s fraternity brothers don’t get a hold of these.