You may know which spoon to use, but unless you’re up-to-date, you’ll end up – gasp! – a ghastly dinner-party bore. Here are the current events to study to show fellow guests you’re irresistibly in the know.

LONG AND WINDING RANT

Ted Koppel, smarting from ABC’s desire to replace him with CBS funnyman David Letterman, scribbled off a letter to the New York Times in attempt to defend his show, “Nightline.” “When ‘Nightline’ is gone from the ABC schedule, and should the occasion arrive that our work might again seem relevant to the anonymous executive, it will not then be possible to reconstitute what is so easily destroyed.” And you thought he wasn’t as pithy as Letterman.

HEY, LADIES!!!

With lifestyle, education, economy, health and job issues all playing a role, the Big Apple was ranked 23rd in terms of female-friendly cities, says the April issue of Ladies Home Journal. On the meeting-men meter, the magazine places the city in the 162nd slot. Luckily, New York has always been rated No. 1 for not giving a damn.

A LONG ISLAND LEFT

Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita,” had plans to take on skater Tonya the “Hard Right” Harding in a celebrity boxing match, but the state parole board stepped in and KO’d her plans. Paula “The Crusher” Jones, of Bill Clinton fame, will now replace Fisher. A dangerous choice. Jones is known for below-the-belt tactics.

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS

A Bronx man riding a girl’s bike was pulled over last Saturday after acting suspiciously – he was looking through garbage. During a search of the man, cops found two lives grenades, a submachine gun, two knives, rounds of ammo and a loaded .38-caliber revolver. You can never be too careful Dumpster diving.

BLOWING SMOKE

A study that tracked half a million adults for nearly 20 years has found that long-term exposure to air pollution ups a persons chances of dying from, no way, lung cancer, reported the Associated Press. “This study is compelling because it involved hundreds of thousands of people in many cities across the United States who were followed for almost two decades,” said co-author George Thurston, a NYU environmental scientist, who co-held the cushiest job in the United States for almost two decades.