This weekend is the New York equivalent of the Super Bowl for nearsighted Ivy Leaguers with marginal social skills. The weekend-long New Yorker Festival and the opening days of the two-week New York Film Festival go (egg)head to head in a battle for cultural supremacy. Here’s how the matchup looks (details are online at newyorker.com and filmlinc.com; most events are sold out):

Staff, guests and awestruck hangers-on will be in Times Square tomorrow night for the party to kick off the sixth annual New Yorker Festival, a series of readings, concerts and screenings. Erstwhile “Office” worker Ricky Gervais, whose

interview by TV critic Nancy Franklin sold out in

four minutes; Steve Martin, who plays banjo

with Earl Scruggs; and a Katrina benefit at Town

Hall featuring Lou Reed and Elvis Costello.

Is it worth $25 to hear a panel discuss why the

intellectuals’ Nostradamus, W.H. Auden, “has gained renewed

prominence and urgency” post-9/11? Not unless he can tell us which

rock bin Laden is hiding under.

An event in which the magazine’s

cartooonists will create cartoons based

on audience suggestions. Dark rumors

abound of musical instruments and

live animals.

Joel Erickson, a Vegas hash-slinger and subject of a recent New

Yorker profile will cook breakfast at the Galaxy Global Eatery, four

card sharks and a poker writer will charge $200 to eat steak with

them at Gallagher’s Steak House and Calvin Trillin will be taking some

lucky readers on an eating tour of Chinatown.

“Sorry, I haven’t read your last book. It’s on my nightstand, though.”

“I’d love to have a look at your poems some time.”

KICKOFF

HEAVYWEIGHTS YOU

WON’T GET NEAR

WORST IN SHOW

WEIRDEST IN SHOW

REFRESHMENTS

AWKWARD CONVERSATIONAL

MOMENTS

PICKUP LINES TO USE ON

DOE-EYED ASSISTANTS

At the same moment, the 43rd annual NYFF will bring George

Clooney to Avery Fisher Hall to show off his sophomore directorial

effort, the Edward R. Murrow vs. Joe McCarthy drama “Good Night,

and Good Luck.”

Clooney; screenings of “Capote” with its star, and likely Oscar

nominee, Philip Seymour Hoffman; plus one of his competitors,

Cillian Murphy, who will be appearing with director

Neil Jordan to screen their IRA cross-dressing movie

“Breakfast on Pluto,” the festival centerpiece.

Lars von Trier’s “Manderlay,” a sequel to

“Dogville” with Lauren Bacall but without

Nicole Kidman

A post-postmodern adaptation of “Tristram Shandy,”

the most postmodern novel of the 18th century, with star

Steve Coogan; and one of Jack Nicholson’s weirdest films, the 1975

Michelangelo Antonioni avant-garde thriller, “The Passenger.”

Widely held to be a masterpiece by the three people who have

managed to stay awake through the whole thing.

Strictly chardonnay and canapés, at cocktail receptions for writerdirector

Noah Baumbach and actor Steve Coogan after they show

off their new films.

“No distribution deal yet? Well, those Hollywood jerks can’t see the

wisdom of doing a painfully bleak drama about an 11-year-old Polish

boy yearning to be reunited with his hard-drinking mother.”

“Didn’t I see you in Cannes?”

NEW YORKER FESTIVAL NEW YORK FILM FESTIVAL

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Steve Martin