TEDDY BEARS’ PICNIC [Half a star]

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A beyond-lame satire, “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” ranks among the most pitiful directing debuts by an esteemed writer-actor, in this case, Harry Shearer of “This is Spinal Tap” and “The Simpsons.”

Though Shearer’s film employs comedians from his “Spinal Tap” collaborator Christopher Guest’s “Best in Show” – Michael McKean, John Michael Higgins and Fred Willard – this is more like worst in show.

There are almost no laughs, despite the added presence of Henry Gibson, Howard Hesseman, George Wendt, Kenneth Mars, Morgan Fairchild and, as himself, Peter Marshall.

The ostensible target is Bohemian Grove, that top-secret annual gathering of white male movers and shakers from business, politics and academe in a Northern California forest. Most of the feeble humor revolves around urination, impotence, hookers, alcohol consumption and dressing in drag.

“Teddy Bears’ Picnic,” which climaxes with possibly the least convincing forest fire ever committed to celluloid, is sadly inept in every department, especially the ugly digital cinematography.

Running time: 80 minutes. Not rated (sex, profanity). At the Quad, 13th Street, between Fifth and Sixth avenues.