GERALDO Rivera, the nomadic, narcissistic network newsman, now with Fox News Channel, recently told The Washington Post that he’s engaged to marry Erica Levy. Claims the 59-year-old Rivera, Ms. Levy “looks 14, but she’s actually 28.”
How nice for him, unless, of course, he preferred it the other way around.
Of his relationship with Ms. Levy, Rivera said, “We’ve been happy together almost three years.”
Golly, that means they must’ve met when she looked like she was 11.
Rivera, whose mother was Jewish, plans to marry Ms. Levy – his fifth wife – this August at NYC’s Central Synagogue.
“I’m making a conscious decision to take this whole Judaism thing seriously,” he’s quoted as saying. And you can tell, right there, just from the reverential words he chose – he’s going to “take this whole Judaism thing seriously” – that he has been touched by the hand of God.
Rivera added that, “I think the Jews need me right now.”
Well, Geraldo, I’m Jewish and if I can join you in speaking on behalf of the entire faith, I’d like to broach the following rhetorical question: Haven’t we suffered enough?
Frankly, not even the Mets need Geraldo right now, but if he believes that Jews do, let’s not leave “this whole Judaism thing” to chance or notion. Why not leave it up to a vote?
Catholics, I’ll bet, right now could use a lucky break such as having Geraldo join their flock. And, hey, when’s the last time the Quakers hit the lottery?
Now there’s a primetime ratings-grabber worthy of Geraldo. Bring in one of those big bazaar wheels with the names of every known religion, from A (Amish) to Z (Zoroastrian), in each slot. At about 10 minutes before the hour, Rivera spins the wheel. Round and round it goes, where it stops, God only knows.
And that’s the religion that Geraldo must adopt. He gets sworn in, on the spot. Who knows, maybe we’ll all get lucky and he’ll have to take a vow of silence or, at the very least, swear to lead a humble life.
After all, what religion couldn’t use Geraldo Rivera, right now? Why pick on – I mean, favor – the Jews?
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We’ve long been of the opinion that TV execs are now in the business of frantically pushing on to your households what they’d never allow in theirs.
To that end, reader John Boris, of Honesdale, Pa., sent along a quote of Ted Turner’s from The Los Angeles Times, about “God and Generals,” Turner’s recent Civil War movie:
“If you look at all the other movies, they are full of obscenities. I’m so sick of it. I’ve got eight grandchildren and my children don’t want their children to curse.”
Good for you and yours, Ted. But what about our children?
Has he forgotten about the how-low-can-you-go pro wrestling TV war he waged with raunch-for-kids specialist Vince McMahon? The cursing and lascivious acts in those shows weren’t in spite of the children watching, they were for the children watching.
But, for a time, it did big ratings, so Turner gave it a wink and a nod.
Several months ago, Charles Barkley, the ex-NBA star, was given an any-topic talk show, “Listen Up,” on Turner’s TNT network. It generally airs Thursdays at 7 p.m. On it, Barkley reflexively spews vulgarities – the kind that spill from Barkley’s mouth on TNT’s NBA pre-game, post-game and halftime shows.
In fact, the only NBA telecasts that, sadly, should carry parental warnings for foul language appear on a Ted Turner network.
Oh, no Ted, you’re no better than the rest. Your children don’t want their children – your grandchildren – to curse? Good for them. Tell them to avoid TNT – it stands for Turner Network Television.
