“Peacemakers”

Tonight at 9 on USA Network

½

WHAT would you get if you combined “Columbo,” “Gunsmoke” and “CSI” – then threw in a little “Chinatown” for good measure?

Here’s a hint: It would either be called “CSI: Dodge City” (which it’s not) or “Peacemakers,” which it is.

“Peacemakers” stars Tom Berenger, which right off earns it one star. The other half a star is for the plot, writing, acting, and directing.

First, the plot. Hard to believe but yes, it does involve two forensics experts and one old-fashioned lawman in the Old West.

Yes, I know, sometimes far-fetched forensics plots do work. (I can’t believe I just wrote that!)

I mean, sure there was PBS’ “Cadfael,” the English import starring Derek Jacobi about a 12th-century forensics monk. And before that, there was “The Name of the Rose,” also about a medieval forensics monk.

Maybe once you’ve got accents, the forensics stuff becomes more believable.

But as much as I wanted to love “Peacemakers,” it just doesn’t work all that well.

For one thing, the pacing is off. It’s just not tense enough.

For another, and I hate to bring this up, but – sheesh – haven’t we seen the plot about a murder over secret water rights deals before? Oh, right, it was called “Chinatown.”

And haven’t we seen bad guys chasing the poor, single mom for “the deed” before? Oh right! It was maybe the plot of the first silent movie ever made.

Berenger stars as Federal Marshal Jared Stone, an old-fashioned lawman who has to put up with the high tech/Old West shenanigans of a Pinkerton detective (Peter O’Meara), hired by the railroad company to investigate the murder of a mogul on railroad property.

Into the mix is thrown the town mortician (Amy Carlson) who went to med school but left to help run the family business. She uses her trusty microscope to right wrongs. Right.

Look, I’d watch Berenger making beds, but this writing’s tough even for a die-hard Berenger fan to take.

Maybe Marshall Stone’s next mystery should be uncovering how they got away with stealing so many antique plotlines.