YOU’LL have to choose your crime wisely if you want to do time in a Club Fed-style prison like Martha’s Alderson Federal Prison Camp – or Danbury, her first choice, where inmates (who once included Leona Helmsley) play volleyball and make crafts.

Definitely don’t kill – or even maim – anyone or you could wind up at Rikers defending yourself against the Lady Crips instead of making dandelion salad.

Make sure you aim for something corporate and hands-off, like bankruptcy fraud, embezzlement or forgery. Violence is a definite no-no. Also avoid vandalism and shoplifting; they’re very blue-collar.

It’s essential to come up with something significant enough to be prosecuted by the U.S. government and not just your state – you can’t be sent to a federal prison unless you commit a federal crime.

Just don’t overdo it: If you’re sentenced to more than 10 years, you won’t be eligible to do time at the minimum-security spots. So try to be an accessory to a criminal mastermind, or just do something so ultimately inoffensive nobody will even remember what it was.

What was Martha in for again?