JOHN Stamos’ new show, “Jake In Progress,” is a cudda-been a contendah sitcom that probably won’t be – unless it gets better writers.

Not that the show doesn’t have a great premise – it does: Celebrity publicist, a la “Sweet Smell of Success” or “Phone Booth,” with laughs thrown in. Unfortunately, it doesn’t deliver on any front.

Jake is a NYC publicist with an overbearing female boss (Wendie Malick) named Naomi. When haven’t we seen this scenario before?

He’s a honcho at a PR agency, and his job’s to spin the facts and to protect his clients from getting caught in the press in embarrassing positions. So far, it’s all great for Jake. Unlike real celebrity publicists, he never needs to grovel.

In the pilot, which is so contrived it makes you long for the simple laughs of “Seinfeld,” Jake has to go on a blind date with Naomi’s sister, Kylie (Madchen Amick).

Of course, since he’s a player, he figures she’ll be a dog. Of course, since this is a play-by-the-numbers show, she’s gorgeous.

There are several problems with the blind date. First, not only have they already met, but they’ve already had sex – although he doesn’t even remember, she remembers his sweaty hands. (“Your hands were so slippery I had to take my own bra off.” Yeeew.)

Then there’s the fact that Kylie’s old boyfriend is a performance artist and has suspended himself in a giant Plexiglass box outside her apartment window. He climbs out of the box and comes in the window to say, “I was encasing myself in Plexiglass when [David Blaine] was still pulling coins out of kids’ asses at birthday parties.” Yuck.

So what’s even more wrong – not only with their date but with the characters – is that, as written, they are charmless without being funny. Maybe “Jake in Progress” needs to hire a celebrity publicist to spin it, so it looks funny in the press.

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“Jake In Progress”

[ ] (Two stars)

Sunday night at 9 on ABC/Ch. 7