PARIS Hilton, whose day job mostly comprises panty-less flashing of paparazzi, already makes our eyes bleed several nights a week via “The Simple Life.” Now, she’s after our ears – flooding radio-station airwaves with her baby-talk sing-song reggae-lite songs like “Stars Are Blind.”
Kevin Federline’s album, “Playing With Fire,” set to drop later this year, will only exacerbate the brain-hemorrhage epidemic with his confounding lyrics. “I’m Kevin Federline, America’s most hated,” Mr. Britney Spears raps. So far so good. And then, “All these model chicks want to do me.” Really?
Hilton and Federline aren’t the first to drop bombs disguised as music – record stores are littered with stars who should have stuck to their day jobs.
Celeb: Paris Hilton
Album: “Paris” (2006)
Genre: Homemade-porn soundtrack
Why they did it: “I always wanted to record an album but I was just too scared.”
Highlight: Her boob falling out while filming the video for “Stars are Blind”
Sounds like: Heavily layered tinny pop vocals
Celeb: Eddie Murphy
Album: “How Could it Be” (1985); “So Happy”(1987); “Love’s Alright” (1993)
Genre: Ballad of the sad comedian
Why they did it: “I knew that I wanted to express myself. When I listen to this record, I can feel it’s carefree, not trying to be anything. It just kind of happened.”
Highlight: “Party All the Time” single produced by Rick James.
Sounds like: Funky pop and cheesy ballads
Celeb: Jennifer Love-Hewitt
Album: “Let’s Go Bang” (1995); “BareNaked” (2002); “Cool With You” (2006)
Genre: Big in Japan
Why they did it: “Barenaked is how I feel.”
Highlight: “BareNaked” single reached No. 35 on Billboard charts in 2002.
Sounds like: Nasal ballads, dippy dance tunes
Celeb: Kate Winslet
Album: “What If” [Single] (2002)
Genre: Christmas carol love song
Why they did it: The only single released off “The Christmas Carol” soundtrack, Winslet donated all proceeds of the No. 1 single to charity.
Highlight: Reached No. 1 on UK (and, uh, Belgian) charts
Sounds like: English rose ballads
Celeb: Naomi Campbell
Album: “Babywoman” (1994)
Genre: Music to beat your assistant by
Why they did it: “I acheived a goal I set out for myself. Of course the first album is a risk.”
Highlight: Her single, “La La La Love Song” sold 1.8 million copies. In Japan.
Sounds like: Funky mystical dance
Celeb: Shaquille O’Neal
Album: “Shaq Diesel” (1993); “Da Return” (1994)
Genre: Shaq-attack-rap
Why they did it: Before his first album, his teammates often caught Shaq in the locker room, buck naked, bopping out to hip-hop on his headphones.
Highlight: “Biological Didn’t Bother” dedicated to his stepfather, Phil.
Sounds like: Plodding ’90’s-style rhymes
Celeb: Gwyneth Paltrow
Album: Cruisin’ ” [Single] (2000); “Bette Davis Eyes” [Single] (2001)
Genre: Should have been a “Duet”
Why they did it: “Cruisin'” came off soundtrack of “Duets “Bette Davis Eyes” off “Bounce.” A full-length never surfaced.
Highlight: “Cruisin'” reached No. 1 on Australian charts
Sounds like: Aloof and unemotional, like Paltrow
Celeb: William Shatner
Album: “The Transformed Man” (1968); “Has Been” (2004)
Genre: William Shatner
Why they did it: “I linked prose and lyrics to a song in kind of a medley to show a relationship between the written word and music.” Riiiight.
Highlight: Henry Rollins guest spot on “I Can’t Get Behind That”
Sounds like: Shatner’s trademark prose-song
Celeb: Alyssa Milano
Album: “Look in My Heart” (1989); “Alyssa” (1989); “Do you See Me?” (1992)
Genre: Big-hair ’80s teen star pop
Why they did it: Milano is big in Japan. “I’m not interested in crossing over [to America]. I’d much rather have it released where it’s appreciated, not laughed at.”
Highlight: Sold over a million albums in Japan.
Sounds like: ’80s Bubble-gum pop
Celeb: Joe Pesci
Album: “Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just For You” (1998)
Genre: Lounge singer rap
Why they did it: Pesci was a lounge singer before he became an actor; here he goes back to his roots.
Highlight: Pesci, uh, raps on “Wise Guy”
Sounds like: High-comedy lounge pop
