DUE to the graphic nature of this column, reader discretion is advised.
That seems to be the safest way to start off a column about bizarro comedian Tom Green – with a warning almost exactly like the one MTV is using on “The Tom Green Cancer Special,” a one-hour documentary on Green’s own cancer surgery, premiering tomorrow night.
There’s simply no way to describe precisely what goes on in this special without venturing into territory where some readers will be uncomfortable.
That, of course, is the whole point of Green’s approach to comedy, to foster discomfort and embarrassment – but more on that later.
For now, here’s the background on Green: Back in February, Green, 28, underwent surgery at USC Medical Center in Los Angeles to remove a cancerous testicle. Subsequent tests revealed that the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes. They were then removed in a second operation. The special covers the second surgery, which took place about four weeks after the first.
The show is designed to use Green’s special brand of gross-out humor to raise awareness among MTV’s young viewers of the value of early cancer detection.
As a result – and here’s where the warning comes in handy – you get to see things you never thought you’d see on TV, such as: Tom brandishing a vial of his semen just inches away from the camera lens; his dearly departed testicle and lymph nodes displayed on a lab countertop for pal Glenn Humplik to fondle; the surgery itself in extreme, unblinking closeup; a doctor examining sidekick Phil Giroux’s genitals for testicular cancer (with some of that area blurred out).
Along the way, you’ll hear Tom sing a song aimed at encouraging young men to examine themselves: “Hey, kids, feel your b- – – -, so you don’t get cancer!
“Feel your b- – – -, squeeze your b- – – -, tease your b- – – -, please your b- – – -!” (Yes, this was all OK’d by the MTV censors.)
At one point, before being prepped for surgery, Green playfully chases Humplik down a hospital corridor with a handful of soiled linens he scavenged from a hamper, resulting in a scolding from nurse Trish Shattler.
“That’s not good for you,” she said, “because you don’t know what’s on that.”
To which Green replied matter-of-factly, “I put a piece of cow crap in my mouth once. … I play with dead animals all the time, so a little soiled linen’s not gonna [make any difference].”
That admission might sound startling if you’ve never seen Green’s MTV show, but his fans are very familiar with his fascination for animals, be they dead or alive.
Among other things, his antics have included sucking on a cow’s udder, filling his parents’ house with urinating, defecating farm animals, and cavorting with the rotting carcass of a moose.
Last Wednesday night on “The Tonight Show,” he plucked a white mouse by its tail out of a cardboard box and popped it into his mouth, while fellow guest Judge Judy Sheindlin recoiled in horror and host Jay Leno roared.
Green scored a bulls-eye with that one. Talk about discomfort – Judge Judy looked like she wanted to jump out of her skin; viewers at home felt the same way.
Some scenes in tomorrow night’s cancer special have the same effect; you don’t want to look, but you can’t help yourself.
Of course, you can always react skeptically, in the manner of nurse Shattler, after Tom told her of his fetish for dead critters. Said she, “I don’t know if I should believe what you say or not.”
To e-mail: abuckman@nypost.com
