UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS
I cannot wait to celebrate “If the Coffee Shop Waitress Touches Your Palm When She Gives You Your Change, She Totally Wants It Day!”
Of course that’s not until May 9, so I’ll just have to satisfy myself with this Saturday’s “When You Overturn the Hyundai at Tonight’s Race Riot, Make Sure Chicks Are Watching Day!” Or even next month’s “Take a Pottery Class in the Hopes That Your Real Father Will Be the Instructor Day!”
Those are just three of the 365 dark, tortured and often hilarious new holidays collected in Bob Powers’ “Happy Cruelty Day!” (Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s, $15.95). Offering deeply bizarre slices of life (like April 1, “Your Pot Dealer Has a Daughter in the Girl Scouts Day!” or Aug. 29, “Try to See the Car Crash You’re Going to Have as a Metaphor for What’s Wrong with America Day!”) the book opens with a note of caution.
Sadly, the foreword tells us, anyone who has actually tried to follow the instructions, has “met with various tragic fates.” However, the author does believe these new holidays – almost universally offensive, but in the best possible way – do provide “daily celebrations of quiet desperation.”
But just what kind of quiet desperation, exactly? Well, other particularly vivid highlights include “Anybody Remember to Cut Himself a Piece of ‘I’m a Filthy Whore’ Cake Day!” (March 19) and the perennial crowd-pleaser “Just Because You Can’t Remember Anything About Last Night, It Doesn’t Necessarily Mean That You’re an Alcoholic Day!” (Aug. 1).
“My book is for young adults, ages 18 to 34, who don’t know why they’re crying,” explains Powers. “They just are.”
If that describes you, we recommend turning directly to Feb. 10. That’s “Openly Weep to Avoid Invites to Happy Hour Day!”
Powers imagines it like this: “When Evelyn peeks over your cubicle wall, make sure she sees a co-worker sending an anguished peal of sobs into the phone. You might have to cry into an empty receiver until 5:30, but no one will ask if you’re OK until Monday. Happy Openly Weep to Avoid Invites to Happy Hour Day!”
“The format allows me the freedom to not take anything seriously,” observes the 33-year-old Manhattan comedian. “The dark and tragic events are happening to people we never met before and who will disappear in a few hundred words. That allows me to make fun of the drapes hanging in the window of a house that’s burning down.”
Take “Fill Your Pockets with Glitter and Confetti and Then Step in Front of a Speeding Bus Day!” (March 11): “Your coat and pants pockets should be overflowing with glitter, and you should also have big handfuls bunched up in your fists and wads of confetti stuffed in your shoes and socks. This way, when the bus smacks into you, the glitter will burst in a fat twinkling cloud enveloping the entire bus in the shiny rainbow-colored beauty.”
“It isn’t all dark,” insists Powers, who continues to create new holidays at his Web site, girlsarepretty.com. “There is also a whole lot about being stupid in love, too.”
He’s probably referring to “Tell Your Dad You’re in Love With a Girl Day!” (Jan. 12). “Your dad will say, ‘Get ready for some pain.’ ‘I don’t think so, Dad,’ say. ‘She loves me and I love her. And I can feel it in my bones, we’re never going to do anything but make each other happy.’ Your dad will laugh so hard he’ll die. You’ll bring your girlfriend to the funeral. During the priest’s eulogy at the burial, she’ll sneak off and cheat on you behind a tree. Happy Tell Your Dad You’re in Love with a Girl Day!”
Of course, it’s when he’s at his bleakest that Powers is also at his funniest. Who could ignore “Your Commemorative 9/11 Bong Is in Bad Taste and You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself Day!” (Dec. 27)?
“No one wants to suck smoke out of a miniature plastic replica of the Twin Towers,” the entry begins. “I know you think it’s because they don’t know how to hold the bong without banging their noses on the antenna atop Tower Two, but the real problem is that each time someone takes a hit, everyone has to sit and watch as leftover smoke billows up from Tower One. Consider the mellow harshed, my friend.”
Keep the faith, though. There’s always “Redefine Hell with Every Waking Moment of Your Life Day!” (Sept. 29).
Don’t forget the confetti.
