When I logged onto Facebook this morning, my news feed was filled with an endless scroll of bright-eyed, tanned kids in new frocks, snazzy T-shirts and crisp uniforms.
In what has become a first day of school social media tradition, the young’uns were photographed holding signs denoting which grades they were entering.
Sandra A. lost 10 pounds and 11.8 inches with four rounds of #21DF#TransformationTuesdaypic.twitter.com/hx4BlRxPDG
— 21 Day Fix (@21DayFix) September 1, 2015
Jimmy and Sally are off to kindergarten. Tyler is heading to high school. Where did the time go?
Peppered among these sweet snaps were the nostalgic posts mourning the end of a fabulous season spent swimming at the beach, vacationing at Disney or heading to the country for a slice of the bucolic life.
Yes, everyone is sad the warm, carefree days are behind us. But just as all good things must come to an end, now is the time to celebrate new beginnings — after all, we’re about to embark on a season filled with Honeycrisp apples, more tolerable temperatures and football.
It also means I can return to my Facebook stalking with abandon — because there’s another kind of post that disappears from social media come fall.
You know the ones I’m talking about. They’re the proclamations that start to overwhelm your feed in the early spring, reaching a fever pitch around early July.
They continue to roll in throughout bikini season, holding us hostage with motivational memes done in hot pink, bathing suit pictures snapped in a bathroom mirror, preachy meal plans and hashtags — lots of hashtags followed by words like “gratitude” and “discipline.”
Yes, I’m talking about those awesomely obnoxious weight loss and cleanse posts.
I’m not sure when it started in earnest, but it seems everyone on my social media network these days is hawking or using some sort of weight-loss product — a trend that appears to have permeated my entire high school alumni base.
It all starts with the requisite bathroom “before” selfies — you know, the ones where the bellies are cascading over shorts like fizz from a soda that had been poured too fast.
These people promptly go on an Isagenix cleanse.
Following their well-publicized food deprivation is a DVD workout and, finally, snaps of their post-sweat session meal (all-natural whole foods, please).
Fast-foward to their “after” photos, and they’ve lost seven pounds. Their love handles are a little less visible. Some even have enviable six packs, and they’re now in Cancún at a convention among other like-minded people sharing tips for “clean living.” There are a lot of pictures involving flexing and thumbs up over plates of kale.
They pushed through their fat-busting goals with sheer determination because they wanted to change their lives for the better. Good for them!
These were my results with time in the gym and #isagenix! We ALL deserve to have our best bodies, all the time 😄 pic.twitter.com/xwYUy5KTlP
— Healthy Living. (@IsagenixCalgary) August 29, 2015
Except all this preachy fitness chronicling is merely a buildup to the moment of truth.
“Ask me how I do it,” they say at the end of every post, like a giant exclamation point.
Did they casually mention the truckload of extra income they’re bringing in from their regime?
They’re “flip-flop CEOs living life on their terms” — oh, and they just got a white Mercedes-Benz to show for all the powdered smoothie mix they sold to all these suckers.
And for that reason I am more than ready to bid summer — and this endless Tupperware party for diets — farewell for another year.
“Do you have what it takes to change your life? What are you doing tomorrow? Or a month from now?”
Well, since you asked — I’ll be sitting on a couch watching the Giants, drinking beer and flipping through Facebook without having to block half my feed.
Thanks for the motivation.
