Sharpen your sweet tooth and loosen your belt, National Junk Food Day is upon us.

The term “junk food” was first introduced in 1972 as a way to define densely caloric food products that have little nutritional value and high levels of fat, sugar, and salt, IE, the holy trinity of things that taste good.

Junk food really joined the lexicon in 1976 when Larry Groce released his confessional bop, “Junk Food Junkie.” The song follows the eating habits of a granola, macrobiotic-loving hippie with a midnight fondness for Twinkies, “In the daytime I’m Mr. Natural /Just as healthy as I can be /But at night I’m a junk food junkie/Good lord have pity on me.”

We feel you, Lar Bear, and on this day of days, we trade kale for trans fats, whole foods for unpronounceable ingredients, and keto for carbohydrates. We are free to rejoice in caloric abandon and surrender to the dopamine of delivery pizza and drive-through windows.

To celebrate National Junk Food Day and American gluttony at large, we have matched zodiac signs to junk food, guilty pleasures, sugary treats, and shame eats. Read on and eat yourself to joy and gout, y’all.

Alarmingly bright and prone to leaving a stain, Cheetos have much in common with the average Aries. The first sign in the zodiac, Aries is born for boldness, unafraid to fail and easily caught up in controversy. We see these qualities reflected in the trajectory of the beloved Flamin’ Hot Cheeto. Banned in schools and celebrated the world over, the cult corn chip was allegedly invented by Richard Montañez, a boundary breaking former custodian who rose through the ranks of Frito-Lay to become an executive and later a motivational speaker. In a true moment of murdered joy, The LA Times debunked Montañez’s claims. Yet, the passionate fandom that follows FHCs and the heated discourse around their origin story are all in keeping with the infernal nature of this cardinal fire sign.

An adage maintains that, sex, like pizza, runs the gamut from sublime to subpar, but is never bad enough to turn down. This sentiment holds true in the minds, mouths and loins of many a Taurus. Read more about sex and the zodiac signs here.

Gemini is represented by the twins and natives are dynamic, expressive and wildly unpredictable. Enter Sour Patch Kids, the chewy candy whose original slogan “Sour. Sweet. Gone.” is, in fact, a perfect three word review for every Gemini ever.

According to legend, the potato chip was invented in Saratoga Springs, New York by Cancer chef George Crum. Lore holds that a persnickety customer, who may or may not have been the mutton chopped monopolist Cornelius Vanderbilt, complained to the kitchen that his french fries were too thick. In retaliation, a rancorous Crum, sliced a batch of potatoes razor thin, fried them to near death and doused them with salt. Success born from spite? Big time Cancer vibes.

Ancient Aztecs believed that chocolate was the food of the gods. Conversely, many modern Leos think they are god, making a chocolate brownie not just an apropos indulgence, but an offering to the altar of the self.

Doritos were invented by Arch West, an enterprising Virgo/Frito exec who couldn’t bear the thought of so many stale tortillas being thrown away. Seeing the rich potential in every thing, especially food waste and trash humans, is a hallmark of this sun sign. Upon his death, Arch West was interred with his edible invention scattered over his remains. Cheese and ashes, rest in peace crunch king.

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

This air sign likes pretty and the classic donut, with its high gloss glazing and potential for artful toppings is an easy prop for photo shoots while its shape is a natural metaphor for the unfillable emotional hole that yawns within each and every Libra.  

Highly suspicious and seriously into research, Scorpio is associated with the unseen and the unknown. Like the cinnamon bun itself, the softest and sweetest parts of this sign are buried deep within an unappealing exterior.

Born of fire, oft full of hot, righteous air, and built to share, Sagittarius has much in common with popcorn. This zodiac sign is ruled by Jupiter, planet of expansion and by definition, popcorn is as expansive a snack as you can find. Jupiter is also related to abundance and kernels are a bonafide cash crop. Once so profitable it was dubbed “prairie gold,” corn inspired an entire volume of early 20th century poetry of the same name. Add to this that archers love a good story, true or not, preferably about them, and popcorn is the official snack of cinemas the world over.

Masquerading as healthy, with their dehydrated fruit and stick to your teeth tenacity, granola bars, like Capricorns, are dry, hard edged, and designed to keep you alive in unforgiving conditions and financial climates.

Oreos are the best selling cookie in the world and Aquarians believe they are better than everyone else. Sometimes they’re even right. The cookie and the water bearer are emblematic of advancement with Aquarius ruling the realms of technology and space travel and Oreo doing their part for progress by swapping lard for vegan cream in their filling and openly supporting LGBTQ+ rights in their advertising. Both the cookie and the sign are a combination of convention and revolution and endlessly more palatable when paired with a cold drink.

Snap crackle pop goes the heart of a Pisces. Sweet, layered and prone to getting themselves into sticky romantic situations, this water sign is mostly made of marshmallow goo and misguided hopes, making the Rice Krispy treat the patron snacks of these love junkies.

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.