Tabatha Gonzalez of New York City tried Hinge for a year during the pandemic. After a mere 5 minutes of messaging with a new match, the man asked, “are you a 😈 or 😇?”
“Lol what do you mean?” Gonzalez, 26, responded. But before the question was clarified, a photo of his “bulge” was in her Instagram inbox.
“I immediately blocked his Instagram and messaged him that I didn’t ask for that and to not send pics like that and he just left me on read,” she recounted to The Post.
“I felt so caught off-guard. I mean, I personally don’t care much for those pictures but, like, if I’m hanging out with you and you just pull your pants down, that’s sexual harassment. Same goes virtually,” Gonzalez said.
The prevalence of online dating has led to an increased desire for virtual intimacy —sexting, sending nudes including “d–k pics,” online sex and meeting for in-person sex, to name a few. But with lust comes some rules for love.
Digital consent is the latest online dating fad you need to master in order to find love — or at least not end up lonely, sexually frustrated or feeling like a creep. Defined as an “enthusiastic yes” to a specific request for virtual intimacy, digital consent is becoming the norm — and the first step on dating apps.
“Living in a digital-first world means that it is important to have the same safety conversations online as you would IRL,” Alanna Lauren Greco, Bumble’s director of editorial content, told The Post. “Making assumptions can lead to overstepping boundaries.”
A World Wide Web Foundation survey found that 52% of young women and girls said they had experienced online abuse. Getty ImagesUnfortunately, the increased use of online dating — and online use, in general — has led to a slew of online violence and harassment against women. The widespread problem is highlighted as part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, which seeks to bring awareness to the importance of building a safe online space every April.
A World Wide Web Foundation survey found that 52% of young women and girls said they had experienced online abuse, including threatening messages, sexual harassment and the sharing of private images without consent, with 87% believing the issue is only getting worse.
The barrage of unsolicited “d–k pics” became so overwhelming for Jaymyria Etienne, 28, of Atlanta, Georgia, that at one point she had “to specify that I want a pic of them and not of their d–k,” she told The Post.
As with any sexual request, the first step is seeking consent — and the best way to make sure that you’re practicing safe and respectful digital dating etiquette is simply to ask.
“It takes two seconds,” Grace Lee, a New York City-based dating coach, told The Post. “The point of virtual intimacy is to have fun and be sexy, and it’s so much hotter when you know both people are really into it.”
She also noted that “the safer you make it,” the “more likely to get repeat action.”
One expert said that living in a digital world “means that it is important to have the same safety conversations online as you would IRL.” Getty Images/iStockphotoWhen asking for digital consent, it is important to be clear and direct about your request. Match Group has shared its nine tips for digital consent, and Bumble offers some examples of ways to take the conversation to a more intimate level.
- “I’m really enjoying this conversation a lot. Would you like to take it to a more intimate level? I’d love to tell you what I’d do if we were together right now.”
- “I’d love to show you exactly how I feel. Can I send you a nude photo?”
- “Would you want to have video sex with me? No pressure either way. I just think it would be fun since we’re having such a good chat.”
While these prompts may seem a little awkward or dorky, NYC Wingwoman CEO Cher Gopman insists that asking for digital consent is actually seen as a “turn-on” for many.
“It’s a turn-on when someone cares about your feelings,” she told The Post. Gopman also explained that “when you get that digital consent, you know where their head is at,” which is always important.
Gopman said that inquiries about how to ask for digital consent have become the first questions many of her clients ask since the #MeToo movement brought the issue of consent to the forefront.
However, many online daters still receive unwanted, crude photos and messages.
Like many women her age, Logan Smith, 25, of Atlanta, Georgia, has also been bombarded with unsolicited penis pics.
“It was kind of depressing and highly disappointing that guys who were supposed to be grown men thought they would get anything out of it,” she said. “If someone checked in before, it might be an awkward conversation, but it’s respectful to think about my opinion, perception of things and intention.”
On top of being the right thing to do, getting that digital consent can really benefit the relationship, giving the person who asked a boost in confidence and making the other feel safe and respected while confirming how each person feels about the relationship.
Lee said that for “dating, in general, it can be scary to ask for anything” — but communication is key.
“Getting rejected is part of the package,” she added.
