I love real hamburgers (even when they’re mediocre), and I’m skeptical of veggie burgers, and the buzz they’re currently enjoying — with good reason.

I sampled four of the city’s most popular veggie burgers and came away unsatisfied.

Substituting grains and vegetables for meat, and engulfing them in thick sauces, cheese and nuts, does not a virtuous burger make — nor even one that necessarily tastes good.

What’s the point in leaving the beef out when the product bloats you every other way it can? Getting fat should at least be fun.

123 First Ave.
Green Machine, $14.99, with a bowl of bland kimchi chowder

The crusted, roasted mushroom “burger” crackled with fine-ground cashews. It had the best flavor of the lot. Too bad the house piles on the kitchen sink. The good: an organic-grain seeded bun, pesto spread, aromatic alfalfa sprouts and sliced portobellos. The bad: bubble-gum-like vegan “cheese” made from tapioca and a puddle of needless guacamole.

10 W. 28th St.
Veggie Burger, $16

Superchef Daniel Humm’s fried patty, an alloy of lentils, quinoa, chickpeas and panko breadcrumbs, stood up for itself on first taste but faded after a few bites: more spice needed! It relied heavily on a heap of greens, paper-thin radishes and an ooze of aioli for flavor. The best item on the plate was a long, thin pickle with a sour-and-sweet tingle.

430 E. Ninth St.
Superiority Burger, $6

Layers of Muenster cheese, roasted tomatoes, pickles, mustard and iceberg made for a seductive mouth feel. But, they couldn’t bail out a dry “burger” conjured out of smoke and mirrors — oops, legumes and grains. It’s not worth the half-hour wait you’re likely to encounter after 6 p.m.

185 Bleecker St.
The Classic, $8.95

After I waited 20 minutes on a “slow” afternoon, the house signature burger proved to be a charmless, sloppy fat bomb. Inside a decent potato bun, interred beneath lettuce greener than it tasted, lurked a flavor-devoid, lentil-based patty that would embarrass a snack from a street cart. Frightening “special sauce” left a clinging, gross aftertaste that wouldn’t quit.