Is there a little parenting trick that could make kids brighter, braver and better at life? 

Indeed there is: Spend less time with them.

It’s been two years of intense togetherness on top of two generations of ever-increasing parent-kid time. Even before COVID, moms were spending almost twice as much time on child care than they did in the ’60s, and daddy time increased too. During COVID, moms with young-ish kids spent a whopping eight hours a day assisting them (dads, four). Meanwhile, the number of kids diagnosed with anxiety or depression has also been going up — including a 56% spike from 2003 and 2012, according to CDC data.

After pondering (for 14 years) all the reasons kids are so anxious and passive, I’ve come to the stunningly simple conclusion: 

It’s because they can’t get away from us. And with us always there, they don’t get a childhood at all. They get loving instruction. All. The. Time.

Nobody sets out to helicopter parent. But our culture makes it very hard for us to separate from our kids. We’re expected to schlep them to activities, stick around and watch, get them home, help with homework, read aloud, supervise teeth brushing and take them to school the next day. Look up, “What age can my kid walk to school?” and the American Academy of Pediatrics says 10. Real Simple Magazine says 11 or 12. 

That’s a lot of hand-holding — literally! The practice is such a given that it’s been baked into the language: It’s not “arrival” and “dismissal” at school anymore — it’s “drop-off” and “pickup.” An adult is always part of the process. 

What happens when kids can’t get away from us by heading to the alley, forest or mall? We don’t just see everything they’re doing. We see everything they’re doing wrong — all the dumb, dangerous things kids have probably always done . . . but their parents weren’t there to see it. My colleague, the psychologist Peter Gray, tells of a child who thought the entire “Peanuts” comic strip was a fantasy world, where dogs could talk — and kids could play outside without their parents. 

We can talk about what got us to this point. It’s a hairball of factors, including the 24/7 news cycle, a litigious outlook on everyday life, the ability of technology to make constant surveillance possible, and an unquestioning acceptance of the mantra, “If it saves a single life . . .” which means no risk, however remote, is ever justified.

So, ever-present are we. And because we adults really are better at a whole lot of things than our kids are, it is hard to watch them do dumb stuff, like walk right behind the swings when someone’s on them, for god’s sake! In we spring with a wise suggestion. Phew! Problem averted. Seeing our kids’ cluelessness just convinces us all the more that without us present, they’d be mean, or dead. Nancy McDermott, author of “The Problem with Parenting,” laments that we are working so hard to socialize our kids, they don’t end up socialized.

It’s an endless double helix. They aren’t competent yet, we are competence embodied. So we take over…which prevents them from developing competence. And pretty soon you have kids age 9, 10, 11 who haven’t biked beyond the block, and 12-year-olds who haven’t used a sharp knife. (I meet these kids. They are real.) 

The question is: How do we reverse-engineer a culture turning parents into concierges and our kids into luxury tourists? Concierges know the lay of the land and assist travelers who don’t. They’ll recommend a restaurant, tell the guests what to order, call a cab. All of which ensures the travelers have the perfect experience . . . but no chance to discover anything on their own. They’re safe but sealed off.

Absence is the gift we must give back to our kids. If we start thinking of it as developmentally enriching — call it Advanced Placement Childhood — it will be easier to step back. The remedy is to start to recognizing the growth that only occurs when we adults are literally (and electronically) not there.

After all, we are a generation on constant alert for “teachable moments.” We just have to start recognizing that all moments are teachable, but none moreso than the ones when kids have to do something on their own. When, to use the concierge analogy again, they refuse the cab, stumble into a musty cafe and accidentally order the goats’ eyes.

If they do, it might not be the perfect night out. Good! That makes it an excellent learning experience.

Lenore Skenazy is the president of Let Grow, an organization that promotes childhood independence, and author of “Free-Range Kids: How Parents and Teachers Can Let Go and Let Grow,” out now in paperback.