Being a mom can be a thankless job.
Mom Sabriena Abrre, from Vancouver, Canada, uses a parenting technique called “gentle parenting” that involves not yelling at her child, something online trolls are calling “manipulation” and “child abuse.”
Abrre posted a video to TikTok yesterday that’s racked up over 225,000 views with her explanation of how she handles 4-year-old Zamira screaming “bloody murder” in her face.
The TikToker recalls the harsh way her mom disciplined her when she was a child and explained why she prefers a gentler approach.
“I quickly was reminded of being a child and yelled at by my mother and being slapped across the face or being put in time out, being punished,” she says in the video.
“As someone that’s gentle parented for four years I know that I want to be able to handle these situations differently,” she explains.
Abrre wanted to scream back at her daughter — but she exercised self-restraint.
“My knee-jerk reaction in this moment is to be like ‘Don’t you dare scream at me, like, I’m your mom, you don’t disrespect me like that,’” she detailed.
But instead of screaming, Abrre says she realized she “needed to be calm” if she was going to “teach her anything.”
“I look my daughter in the eyes, looked down, and said ‘That really hurt my feelings,’’” she recalled.
Abrre then told her daughter she needed some space and left the room.
Abrre’s comments section was flooded with opinions from TikTokers, some of whom called her “abusive.” TikTok/sabriena_abrreEven though her feelings weren’t truly hurt, Abrre says she “exaggerated the hell” out of her facial expressions and made it look like her daughter had ruined her whole day.
She says: “The second I cut off access to me, set that boundary and turned my back, my daughter started screaming, ‘I’m so sorry.’”
Abrre calls her daughter’s apology “noteworthy” because she doesn’t force her kids to say sorry or apologize, which she acknowledges is “controversial.”
“I want to build that intrinsic motivation to repair the situation. I want them to feel remorse and want them to repair it rather than me forcing them to,” she adds.
And after leaving the room for a little over a minute, she said her daughter started “wailing crying.”
Per Abrre, she hardly ever cuts off her kids’ access to her, so this particular incident was particularly “jarring” to her daughter.
When she walked back into the room and her daughter apologized, Abrre responded: “Sometimes we all let emotions get the best of us. I forgive you but I want you to know that really hurt my feelings.”
She says they then cuddled for three minutes and Zamira, tired from not having had her nap, quickly fell asleep and, after waking up, apologized again. The result, Abrre concludes, was a good teachable moment for Zamira.
TikTokers flooded Abrre’s comments section to scold her for her “gentle parenting” technique, likening it to abuse.
“No this is emotional abuse,” said one commenter.
“Nah cuz when my mom walked away i felt ABANDONED,” said another.
Abrre said she wanted to teach her daughter that yelling at someone will likely hurt their feelings. TikTok/sabriena_abrreHowever, others supported Abrre’s approach to discipline.
“I’m a young teen & I love watching your videos they make me feel so happy that there are kids that are being cared for a nurtured unlike I was,” said one supporter.
“Over-exaggerated emotions is PERFECT for her age! Emotions of others are tricky at that age so making them big helps her to understand!! Awesome job,” someone stated.
Despite the support, Abrre posted a follow-up video responding to comments calling her manipulative, which she inferred was because she “exaggerated” her emotions of sadness.
In the sequel vid, the mom points out that even though her feelings weren’t actually hurt, that’s only because she “doesn’t take anything personally.”
Abrre clarifies that she wanted to show her daughter that a natural response to being yelled at is not wanting to be around someone.
“As parents, we need to teach our kids that their actions have consequences,” she says.
Had Zamira been 2 years old, Abbre would have responded differently, she explains: “I might’ve said ‘I see you’re really upset. It’s okay to feel upset sometimes. You’re also really tired … would you like to cuddle?’”
But now that her daughter is older, she wants to teach her how to respectfully communicate with nonfamily members since she’ll be starting school soon.
Abrre isn’t the only mom giving gentle parenting a spin. Last year, a mom explained why she doesn’t say “no” to her kids, and said it’s helped her family greatly.
However, another mom reported her years of gentle parenting left her feeling completely burned out.
