If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for Splitsville, don’t check your partner’s phone: check their face.
A one-sided mouth raise — that subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the No.1 red flag for divorce, according to renowned psychologist John Gottman, the founder of the Gottman Institute and the mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted.
His research, which was recently dissected on the hit “The Unplanned Podcast,” found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” when it comes to doomed relationships.
Think your spouse’s smug little smirk is harmless? Think again. JustLife – stock.adobe.comBut it’s contempt, experts warned, that is the true kiss of death.
“John Gottman is a marriage and family counselor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,” body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abby Howard.
“He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise toward the other, he can tell you if they’re going to get divorced — because he’s looking for contempt,” she noted.
And he knows his stuff. “Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6% accuracy,” Van Edwards added.
John Gottman’s research warns of four marriage wreckers so toxic they’re nicknamed the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” zinkevych – stock.adobe.comContempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs.
“Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,” she said.
“But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.”
If contempt creeps in, it’s a red alert: Time to shut it down before it blows up, according to body language guru. eakgrungenerd – stock.adobe.comShe went on, noting, “That is why at the end of a marriage, you have two people who can’t even look at each other.”
Van Edwards suggested that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it’s time to tackle it head-on.
“Ask, ‘What’s going on? Are you OK? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.’ Because then you’re giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,” she said.
“And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.”
She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — and just don’t realize it.
“You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,” she advised.
“That way, when you’re in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say, ‘This is argument No. 2 — we’re in a stalemate on this one.’”
Clinical psychologist David M. Schneer backed up Gottman’s findings in a 2019 article, writing, “Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.”
He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping and even subtle fidgeting — like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain.
Clinical psychologist David M. Schneer said disgust and contempt in a relationship are like tossing gasoline on a fire. bongkarn – stock.adobe.comSchneer dubbed this move “The Lint Picker,” a behavior that he says screams contempt louder than words ever could.
So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life?
Schneer recommended cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic.
Love may be blind, but contempt? It’s written all over your face.
