According to tawdry texters at an AT&T store

“I’m wearing my turtleneck and mom jeans right now.” — Elyse

“I have a big package for you . . . it’s from Amazon and really heavy

— can you pick it up?” — Frank

“Send me a pic of your huge, hard nose.” — Jen

“Watching ‘The Biggest Loser’ . . . thinking of you.” — Joshua

“Been thinking about you all day . . . can’t decided if you’re gay.” — Christina