Michelle Brody knows how to have a good spat — the couples therapist is author of the upcoming book, “Stop the Fight!: How to Break Free From the 12 Most Common Arguments and Build a Relationship That Lasts,” out now. Here are five tips she gives for stopping a verbal brawl:
Prepare a timeout plan
If talks with your partner end in a screaming match, plan a way to mark a pause in the fight, such as a code word. “I have one couple that uses a whoopie cushion app that makes a ridiculous fart noise,” says Brody. “Their laughter totally breaks the whole argument down.”
Go to bed angry
The next morning, you can re-engage with the more rational, problem-solving part of your brain, which goes offline during fight-or-flight situations.
Get to the root of the issue
For example, arguments about money, with one wanting to spend while the other wants to save, are really about the conflicting values of security versus freedom, argues Brody.
Know their ‘real self’
The hurtful things your significant other says in the heat of the moment don’t reveal their true feelings. “It’s key that we understand that everyone has a defense mode [personality] and a core [personality], and they are not the same,” says Brody.
Re-connect
The fight truly ends when you can come together and understand the other’s pain that triggered their defensive words and/or actions. Touch — such as holding hands or a hug — is a great tool in achieving a happy resolution.
