One may be the loneliest of number but before you can find your perfect match, you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else.
Yet, if you’ve spent some time in therapy unlearning inherited trauma, managed to keep a succulent and/or a small pet alive and have invested in some dental work, the stars may be to blame for your solo act.
Roses are red, violets are blue, these are the astrological reasons it’s hard to love you. Fair warning, these prescriptions are meant as entertainment not absolute truths so keep your cool ladies and gents, especially you Capricorn.
ARIES March 21 – April 19
As the fire-starting first sign of the zodiac, your excitable, erratic nature makes you a memorable one night stand and an absolutely exhausting long term partner. It’s all fun and games until it’s a felony, folks.
Aries prefers the color red and escalation to resolution. Getty ImagesTAURUS April 20 – May 20
Refusing to leave the house, eat at a chain restaurant or wear nonelastic pants significantly diminishes the chances of meeting your next mistake. If you’re a Taurus there’s also a strong chance you aren’t single because you are too lazy to break up with your partner no matter how toxic or mind-numbing the relationship has become. Old habits, comfortable patterns baby.
A topless Taurus struggles to decide whether she is hungry, horny or tired. Getty Images/iStockphotoGEMINI May 21 – June 20
You’re quick witted and intelligent but you never, ever, shut the f**k up.
A Gemini live tweeting the demise of their relationship and immediately changes their status to “single.” Getty Images/Tetra images RFCANCER June 21 – July 22
At best, your love is like a cozy hostage situation, it smells like a snickerdoodle candle and feels like a cage. At worst, Cancers in or pursuing a relationship = full blown Kathy Bates in “Misery.”
A Cancer utilizes the silent treatment, unaware that it is prize, not punishment to a potential partner. Getty ImagesLEO July 23 – August 22
You crave an equal but in your unquenchable quest for validation/affection/hero worship, you fall for cheap flattery with a short shelf life.
A Leo is surprised when bad behavior comes wrapped in a good suit. Getty Images/iStockphotoVIRGO August 23 – September 22
No one loves to slum harder in a relationship than a Virgo. You are the gateway drug to adult relationships but when your fixer upper partner is refurbished into a high functioning/desirable/independent person, they leave you in search of less punishing pastures.
Virgo sulking because the sheets aren’t pressed and their partner is moving on with someone less critical and less critically flawed. Getty ImagesLIBRA September 23 – October 22
Your inability to commit to a paint swatch, a dinner entree or a partner doesn’t make you interesting, it makes you inefficient. You can’t go wrong with gray and you never go right with the cod or your ex.
SCORPIO October 23 – November 21
Your penetrating aura does not ask for consent and your ability to read minds comes in handy for insider trading and sports betting but hinders your intimate relationships.
Live footage of a spurned Scorpio. Shutterstock / Ruta ProductionSAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21
You want people to think you are a guru of progressive thought and free love, in reality you are an insufferable elitist and an unrepentant libertine whose dating pool and sphere of influence is limited to lazy philosophy majors with absentee fathers.
Sagittarius gets high on the sweet taste of their own superiority. Getty Images/Westend61CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19
You’re stingy with time, affection and rewards points. A true boner kill, you are the sign voted most likely to float the idea of a prenuptial agreement on the first date.
A Capricorn develops a migraine in response to talking about their feelings. Getty ImagesAQUARIUS January 20 – February 18
Relationships are built on trust and you harbor the deep suspicion that everyone you meet is working for a shadow corporation/the Illuminati and using Bluetooth technology to steal your lucid dreams and unpatented time machine designs.
A pair of Aquarians wonder, if love is a social construct, can it be reconstructed with paper hearts?Getty Images/iStockphotoPISCES February 19 – March 20
There’s only room for one in your bathtub full of delusions, tepid white wine and tattered Beanie Babies. You might also be a serial killer.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
