Every year millions of us make New Year’s resolutions to be happier and more fulfilled. Every year less than half of us actually stick to them. So are we making the wrong resolutions?
Author Vincent Burke believes he has the answer: instead of losing weight and exercising more, last year he resolved to go on a simple mission of forgiveness, pardoning all the people in his life who have hurt him — and it has changed his life for the better.
He has a long list of people who’ve caused him pain. At 87 years old, the former journalist/advertising man realized he was gay at a young age and, like many of his generation at that time, led his whole life in the closet, fearful of coming out and experiencing homophobia.
“Your sexual orientation — whether you are straight or gay — is important,” he said. “If you have to hide it, you’re hiding a part of your life and it’s distressing.”
Burke has detailed all his experiences in a book, “Forgiveness: A Gay Man’s Memoir” (Outskirts Press), out now. It recounts an extraordinary and adventurous life — from humble childhood with his single mom and elder sister in Pennsylvania; to the bright lights of New York City, and later as owner of a medieval chateau in France and elegant condo in England.
These were years accompanied by two loving partners, Jack Bernard, a writer he was with for 40 years before he died, and Frank Grant, a retired psychologist, who he eventually married in 2013.
At a young age, Vincent Burke was told he was mentally ill for being gay. But he has found a way to forgive his tormentors. Tyler Darden“How many people had the good fortune of two perfect partners?” he mused.
Throughout the book he writes letters of forgiveness — to the kids at school who joked and jibed, the boss who tried to sexually assault him as a teen, the policemen who hounded him and the psychiatrists who would insist gay people were mentally ill.
“All those years when I was growing up and beginning to realize I might be gay, I was also being told there was something wrong with me,” he said.
Then there was childhood friend Gloria, who Burke had been penpals with for 70 years. She stopped writing when he finally plucked up the courage to mention his partner, Jack. “Dear Gloria, You were a fervent Catholic so, possibly, your moral compass forbade you to have anything more to do with me. But I forgive you. Your nearly lifelong friend, Vince.”
When Burke was three, his father walked out on the family.
Each ordeal brings him strength. His father walked out of the family home when he was three years old. Seeing the suffering this caused, he writes: “it has given me the urge to be the opposite, never to be irresponsible and cause hurt.”
One of the most difficult episodes of his life was as a young man starting out at Cleveland’s local paper, the News. “They would crack homophobic jokes in the newsroom and I had to laugh along too. I don’t know how I kept up the pretense, but I was so worried about being exposed.”
Many medical studies show the link between forgiveness and health. The Mayo Clinic suggests many possible benefits including a healthier heart and lower levels of blood pressure. “And at my age, I need all that!” laughed Vince.
“I feel a big unburdening,” he said, of writing the book. “These thoughts preyed on my mind for so many years and suddenly now I’m free of them.”
“It’s taken me 87 years to realize life is too short for holding grudges. There are so many people carrying the weight of anger these days. I think everyone would benefit from writing letters of forgiveness. It’s helped me.
“The best thing to come from this book would be if it inspired someone to follow my example. I’d love for someone to contact me and say they have made peace with their past.”
