The good news is that you can get a room at the 320 Guest Ranch, sitting on as many WiFi-enabled acres in pristine Big Sky country, for $59pp a night, September 15-December 31. And that includes a hot, country breakfast so hearty it’d give Joey Chestnut a stomachache.

The bad news? You have to book at least 10 rooms. No worries. First, wrangle up as many immediate friends/relatives/homeless people as you can. Still can’t fill 10? That’s what creepy social networking sites and Malawi adoption programs are for. You and your Verizon network will be fly-fishing and horseback riding en masse before you know it. Call (800) 243-0320 to book.