The jamooks behind the Currency Overhaul for an Industrious Nation (COIN) Act have one sinister goal: kill off the penny and make the nickel our smallest coin.

In other words, assassinate my man Lincoln all over again.

The Fed’s already sissified Abe with that new purple $5 bill. Why pile on his copper? COIN’s supporters want it eighty-sixed because it costs exactly 1.7 cents to make one penny. Is freeing the slaves not worth a measly 7 thousandths of a buck to you people?!

So please, honor thine penny, be it new and orange, or old and green, for it can even get you a hotel room for a night. No lie. Through the end of summer, Red Roof Inn is rewarding guests enrolled in its RediCard loyalty program with penny-a-night stays at properties around the country. You never exactly know where or when — instead, you’ll be notified via top-secret email 48 hours in advance of said rooms, giving you ample time to snatch one up before the general public gets wind of the madness.

Not worth the effort, you say? Rooms for civilians can start as low as 3,999 pennies. With free WiFi, that’s still a steal. (800) RED-ROOF