A five-hour standoff between police and an allegedly suicidal woman in Washington state ended peacefully because, well, the woman wasn’t there.

Port Angeles cops surrounded the woman’s house for most of the afternoon and tried to communicate with her via phone and bullhorn.

But a bomb-squad robot later entered the house and found no one home. An erroneous 911 call seemed to be to blame.

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Hallo, Newman.

A Berlin postal worker caught with several thousand undelivered letters in his basement said he felt overwhelmed but planned to deliver them eventually.

Mailman Thomas H., 36, told a German newspaper that the 90 boxes were just slightly delayed.

“There were just too much, and I couldn’t deliver it all by myself,” he said. Police said some of the letters were postmarked in April.

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Turn in the clowns.

Police near Seattle are on the lookout for some Bozos after a gang of machete-wielding thugs in clown makeup went on a robbery rampage that left nearly two dozen park-goers injured.

Authorities have already captured three of the circus freaks but are still looking for eight to 10 more who allegedly wore black hooded sweatshirts and told victims they would “cut their heads off.” They stole cash, wallets and cellphones.

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Some people just love their team to death. A German soccer club is planning to set up a cemetery for its fans.

Hamburger SV chairman Christian Reichert said the cemetery – to be opposite the stadium – would have room for more than 150 “true fans to find their final resting place.”

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English cops have a public-service announcement for women who like to go out and drink: “Wear nice pants.”

A Suffolk police safety-campaign magazine shows pictures of young women slumped on the ground next to messages urging: “If you’ve got it, don’t flaunt it.

“If you fall over or pass out, remember, your skirt or dress may ride up,” the magazine warns. “You could show off more than you intended. For all our sakes, please make sure you’re wearing nice pants and that you’ve recently had a wax.”