Texas justice doesn’t mess around.

A Brownsville justice of the peace ordered a man to paddle his teenage stepdaughter with a plank of wood, threatening to convict her of truancy if he did not.

The family was appalled and has sued, saying “that an individual striking an animal with [the paddle] might reasonably be reported for cruelty to an animal.”

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Why would anyone want to buy these now?

Utah police arrested a woman who stole two 14-karat gold bracelets from a pawnshop by swallowing them. The bracelets, worth $2,000, were recovered. Police won’t say how, but, well, you know.

The bracelets are back on display at the shop in Salt Lake City.

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Of course, that makes perfect sense.

A 61-year-old Barberton, Ohio, woman was arrested for pointing a rifle out her car window at students waiting for a bus, explaining, “They’re going to kill me, so I might as well kill them.”

Police said Sheila Kinsey did not seem aware of the seriousness of her actions.

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Talk about comfortably numb.

A German man who passed out on the railroad tracks was so drunk, he didn’t even wake up when a train rolled over him.

Franz Zimmerman, who was fives over the DWI blood-alcohol limit, was unhurt.

“I have no idea how he could sleep through the noise of the wheels screeching,” the train driver said.

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Surely, their mates will appreciate it.

Scientists say they have come up with a vaccine that will cut down on the amount of methane released when a cow or sheep farts.

Animal farts account for 25 percent of the methane produced in England, and 90 percent in lamb-laden New Zealand.