I now pronounce you husband and wife . . . and guilty!

As the jury deliberated in Timothy Zalut’s assault case in Doylestown, Pa., the marriage-minded defendant asked the judge to join him and his girlfriend in matrimony.

Zalut, 31, and Hayley Dykstra, 20, tied the knot, then Zalut took a plea bargain and got five years of probation.

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There’s a fine line in Sandusky, Ohio, between being a good Samaritan and a criminal nuisance.

A man who took it upon himself to mow unkempt grass in a public park was arrested after cops told him to stop and he refused.

John Hamilton said he mowed only when the grass had gotten to be a foot high. City officials say budget cuts have left them understaffed.

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If this is what this guy is teaching his flying students, they might want to get a new instructor.

A retired Air Force colonel took a man up but failed to realize the plane was almost out of gas, and they narrowly avoided disaster.

They ended up making a hard landing in Colorado Springs, but were unhurt.

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A woman in London parked her car in a legal spot and later found it had been towed after a “no parking” sign had been erected.

Now she has to pay $1,300 to get her car back.

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A New Zealand bird swooped down and stole an Irish tourist’s passport, causing him trouble flying home.

The Kea parrot snatched the passport out of a bag and disappeared into a vast forest.

“My passport is out there somewhere,” the tourist said. “The Kea’s probably using it for fraudulent claims or something.”

Getting a new one will cost the man $400 and take six weeks.