Timing is everything to Boston-area bank robber Dimitri Long, dubbed the “U30 Bandit” because he can pull off a heist in under 30 seconds.

“I would like to go home to my mom while she’s still alive and still have the chance to start a family with my girlfriend” before her biological clock runs out, Long, 34, wrote the judge on his case after pleading guilty.

That might be tough. He’s looking at 20 years.

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Being a Wal-Mart greeter is harder than it sounds — especially if you’re 100 years old.

Lois Speelman was bruised Sunday when she was shoved by a shopper upset that Speelman wanted to see her receipts for some bottled water.

“I’m just stiff and sore,” she said. “I’ll deal with that.”

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Good karma comes with a sparkly shine.

Yoga students in Calgary, Canada, are scrubbing toilets and showers in return for their lessons.

And there’s even a waiting list to sign up at Bodhi Tree Yoga.

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All he wanted was a booze cruise to nowhere.

Rick Ehlert got drunk aboard Holland America’s MS Ryndam and allegedly tried to drop the ship’s anchor as it steamed from Mexico to Tampa.

Ehlert, a 44-year-old California resident, was caught on surveillance video. His antic could have sunk the ship, Coast Guard investigators say.

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It’s music straight from the gut.

Fredrik Hjelmquist, who owns an audio-equipment store in Sweden, has invented the gutPod, which can transform anyone’s stomach to a jukebox.

It’s an inch-long pill packed with batteries, a radio receiver and tiny speakers, and plays music sent from an external FM transmitter.

Witnesses said the sounds they heard from Hjelmquist’s belly weren’t very loud — they needed a stethoscope to hear it.