“That’s not a knife — THAT’S a knife!”

A Philadelphia deli clerk went all Crocodile Dundee on a robber who pulled a tiny switchblade.

The clerk grabbed a huge sandwich-cutting blade and menaced the hoodlum, who realized he was outgunned — oops, we mean outknifed — and fled empty-handed.

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Next time, just take a shower, dude!

A Connecticut high-schooler caused a big stink when he applied so much Axe body spray that the fumes set off a fire alarm.

Officials said he was directly under a locker-room smoke detector when he applied a “Jersey Shore” level of Axe after gym.

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He was gone in a flash, and back in a zip!

A box turtle named Zippy and a companion named Florida were anonymously returned to Flamingo Gardens in the town of Davie yesterday, five days after being turtle-napped.

Veterinarians had employed zip ties to hold together the fragile Zippy’s cracked belly shell.

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A lot of people fantasize about winning win the lottery — but one astoundingly lucky Arizona resident did it six times in one drawing to snare $6 million.

For unexplained reasons, he played his single favorite combination of Powerball numbers again and again — and the combo hit, but without the sixth, so-called Powerball number, which would have given him most of the $172 million top prize in the April 25 drawing.

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The real-life “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” came a step closer this week when a belligerent chimp at a Swedish zoo was seen piling up “ammunition” to toss at humans.

Apparently unhappy in captivity, Santino the chimp was found with a pile of pebbles he had collected to hurl at gawkers.

The ever-clever simian had earlier grabbed and tossed pebbles one by one from around his enclosure.