DOPES, GET YOUR DIRT
NOW, where did we leave that stack of Certificates of Au thenticity . . .?
We keep telling you that sports have become satire-proof, that you can’t concoct any money-driven absurdity that isn’t already here or on its way. If there’s one fool in every thousand, a sport will now trade its good name and its dignity to pursue him, to squeeze dimes from dimwits.
Steiner Sports, contracted collectibles dealer for MLB, the Mets and Yanks, is now selling the following “Bronx Game-Used Equipment” from Yankee Stadium:
“2005 Opening Day Batter’s Box Dirt Collage” for $120 (call me cynical, but the dirt looks suspiciously similar to 2006 Opening Day batter’s box dirt). Ian Kennedy’s “Yankees Clubhouse Locker Room Name Plate” is selling for $500 (how a locker name plate was used in a game escapes us, but Shelley Duncan’s is a steal at $300).
For $250, you can own Jose Veras’ alleged “game-used” Yankee duffel bag (I can’t recall Veras using that duffel bag in a game, either, but that’s the beauty of the hidden duffel bag trick).
But wait! There’s more! Kyle Farnsworth’s “Yankee Spring Training Game Used Locker Room Name Plate” for $100 (this game-used Yankee Stadium item was neither used in a game nor in Yankee Stadium), something called a “Joe DiMaggio Mini Dirt Collage” for $60 and other bric-a-brac that could be unscrewed, pried free, pocketed, stuffed into a game-used duffel bag or scooped up.
No game-used Yankee Stadium toilet stall knobs available as yet, but we’ll keep you posted.
Meanwhile “Yankee Pride” is so diminished that the Yankees gladly accept a cut from this take. And you might recall that MLB, in conjunction with Steiner Sports, sold a Carl Pavano 2006 “game-used” Yankee baseball cap, one, “Pavano wore during at least one live MLB game during the 2006 season. Letter of authenticity is provided.”
Pavano didn’t throw a big league pitch in 2006. Hey, that makes the letter of authenticity more valuable than the cap!
How much for that game-used Giuseppe Franco comb and brush set?
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Being among the NBA team leaders in offensive rebounds sounds like a good thing, but it rarely is; it almost always means you’re among the worst-shooting teams. The more shots missed, the more offensive-rebound opportunities. Connect-the-dots stuff. Yet, that’s lost on TV, year, after year, after year.
In Game 1 of Cavs-Celts, TNT’s Dick Stockton and Mike Fratello told us the Celts have to keep the Cavs off the offensive boards because Cleveland is the league’s top offensive rebounding team. They also noted that the Cavs are a poor-shooting team. But they never made the clear connection between the two.
The Cavs were the No. 1 offensive rebounding team primarily because they were the third-worst field goal shooting team. On the other hand, the Suns, the “worst” offensive rebounding team, led the NBA in field-goal percentage. It all stands to reason.
Moral to the story: The can’t-miss way to improve your offensive rebounding totals is to miss more shots.
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The Golf Channel bangs its Comcast drums, encouraging viewers to watch its exclusive live coverage of the first two rounds of The Players Championship – a biggie! Then, late in Round 1, TGC dumps live coverage for its studio show.
But unless Tiger Woods is still playing, TGC’s scheduled studio show always supplants live PGA golf. It’s crazy. The studio show’s sponsor is served before an audience that pays extra to watch the world’s best golfers play tournament golf on The Golf Channel.
Not that TGC’s studio show is without value. Thursday, it provided a strong show-and-tell on Phil Mickelson spending a ridiculous 2:36 before hitting his tee-shot to the par-3 17th. But if the TPC is such a big event and TGC owns exclusive rights to show it, then show it!
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With the New York State Lottery now being sued over its bogus “one-in-nine,” best-odds-ever “Take Five” ads – the ones that starred that “Little Bit Of Luck” character – the state is stuck with its bogus sell. The best odds of winning anything better than another pick remain one-in-110
In fact, the Lottery’s Web site still boasts roughly 125,000 daily Take Five winners. For example, last week, the Take Five site claimed: “Current Number of People That [sic] Won On 5/7/08 – 131,800.”
But as the lottery folks well know, more that 100,000 of those “winners” not only didn’t win a dime or even break even, they actually lost money. Following their “win” of another pick, they lost. Nevertheless, “Take Five’s Little Bit Of Luck” TV ads – ads that suddenly vanished – created the clear impression that players have a one-in-nine chance to win cash. They included not even a hint that a second chance to lose was the game’s most frequent “win.”
And that’s known as a scam. In this case, it’s a scam sanctioned, promoted and sold by the State of New York.
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Dodger Blake DeWitt beat the Mets Tuesday with an inside-the-park homer. DeWitt might have jogged toward first, watching to see whether his shot to right cleared the wall or was caught by Ryan Church. Neither happened. But because DeWitt ran hard all the way – imagine that! – he drove in himself, the winning run. But he’s just a rookie; he’ll learn.
Condolences to Greg and Bryant Gumbel and their two sisters on the passing of their mother, Rhea, 87.
