Load up your backpacks and put on your safety helmets, HondoNation. The handicapping Sherpa known as Hondo is back to guide you up the NFL mountain on a 21-week trek through the haze and maze to the glory days of pigskin profitability.
The journey starts with …
Jets over Browns: Minus the blathering, guarantee-giving, feet-loving Rex Ryan, these Jets look an awful lot like last year’s 4-12 squad — all defense and an inferior QB calling signals for an inept offense. The formula can work against the perennially pathetic Browns, but don’t expect much against real teams.
Cowboys over Giants: Prince Amukamara warns if the Giants lose their fourth straight opener, it could cause “everyone’s … butthole getting tight.” Big Blue fans are praying that doesn’t happen because it can cause a lot of problems back there, and before you know it there’s a bunch of players on the injury list with strained sphincters.
Jason Pierre-Paul visited the Giants this week but was deemed unfit to play and went home without a contract. Apparently, JPP feels there aren’t enough digits on the contract, while the Giants feel the same about his hand.
Packers over Bears: Head coach Mike McCarthy has given up his play-calling duties, which is a good move. Judging by his work in the second half of the NFC title tilt against the Seahawks, McCarthy is susceptible to getting a tight butthole.
Texans over Chiefs: Lawmakers from eight states sent Roger Goodell a letter demanding NFL cheerleaders receive at least minimum wage for their efforts. However, sources say the commissioner will continue to balk at the proposal until he sees that all the young ladies’ assets are properly inflated.
Tom Brady finally spoke Sunday about the Deflategate outcome, saying of the fired locker-room attendants: “I certainly feel terrible that they’re not able to be with us right now;” and of Goodell: “I certainly have a great amount of respect for the commissioner and what his job is.” And Hondo certainly feels Tom is full of it.
Let’s hope the locker-room guys, who allegedly did the deflating and were fired but never said anything to incriminate Brady, somehow came into some money that will enable them to live comfortably while they look for a job.
Bills over Colts: For all his bluster, Rex Ryan knows how to build a “D” that can give an elite QB “happy feet,” which is what he enjoys most about the game.
Dolphins over Redskins: Which organization in Washington D.C. is the most incompetent, the Skins, Nats or the Obama Administration? You have to figure the latter now that Secretary of State John Kerry on Wednesday warned the Russians to back off their military buildup in Syria. That had to prompt a taunt from Vladimir Putin, something like: “What are you going to do if we don’t, draw a red line?”
Panthers over Jaguars: With the Jaguars having gone 9-39 the past three seasons, Jacksonville has become an official NFL sanctuary city for teams in need of refuge from a difficult opponent.
Rams over Seahawks: Russell Wilson and Ciara reportedly are remaining celibate, which means one day Wilson will have the quickest release in football.
From emauler Ed Buckmir: Wilson’s decision to go the celibate rout is as bad a call as the one that cost the Seahawks Supe XLIX. Neither results in breaking the plane for the score.
Cardinals over Saints: BarkingMut, the South Florida Bureau Chief, kicks off with: Hillary, wearing her carrot-colored pantsuit, recently deflected questions about her possibly felonious email scandal, which could lead to her starring in the D.C. version of “Orange Is The New Black.”
Chargers over Lions: From emailer Donny Mac: Facing declining poll numbers over her email scandal and her lack of trustworthiness, Hillary is pledging complete transparency. For the good of all mankind, let’s hope that policy doesn’t extend to her double-wide pantsuits.
Titans over Buccaneers: Though, “Crab Legs” Winston eventually will steal a few wins, figure on Dick LeBeau, the Titans’ crafty 78-year-old DC, using some schemes that will befuddle the rookie, assuming he can remember them.
Raiders over Bengals: The Bengwads one day will look back on the Andy Dalton era as a red-zone disaster.
Ravens over Broncos: In case you didn’t see Stephen Colbert’s Late Show debut, here’s what you missed: CBS Prez Les Moonves proving his comedy chops are as weak as SNL’s Lorne Michaels, an obligatory Letterman homage that was rather fromagey, some obligatory Trump shots, and some boring chatter with George Clooney and Jeb Bush. The only way this show works is if they let Jon Batiste and his band play for the whole hour.
Falcons over Eagles: If, as charged, Chip Kelly is a “racist” because he traded LeSean McCoy and Brandon Boykin, then is he also an atheist because he cut Tim Tebow?
Vikings over 49ers: Miley Cyrus has come out as pansexual, which, according to her means: “I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting …” If Miley was a football player, she would be cut for failure to maintain gap integrity.
BEST BETS: Texans, Chargers, Falcons
THURSDAY NIGHT: Steelers.
